Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Can I be honest?

Just for a minute. No judging, just raw truth.
I ache for my baby when I am at work.
I am envy stay-at-home mommies, and find myself sad when they complain about staying home.
Yet, I know it is a hard job. I also know I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could.

My heart explodes with love for my husband and baby.

A trip to Target can make my day.
I believe in the simple things in life, but sometimes get caught up in wanting more.
To do more. To have more.
Then I look at the weary, busy-bodies and those who have anything they ever wanted – instantly I am content again.

I don’t fear leaving this world.
When I think of losing Jason, Gavin, my parents and siblings I am paralyzed with fear.
I cry when others get hurt, but rarely do when I am.
Forgiveness is easy when the offended is myself. Harder when it is one I love.

Some days find myself lost in memories, filled with Joy about the life I have.
Other days I feel self-pity creeping in, thinking about the beautiful first moments of Gavin’s life, where circumstances made it impossible to hold him.
Mostly I just can’t thank God enough for the sweet little boy I have to hold for the rest of my days. Or at least until he gets too big for snuggles, and the thought of that makes me want to hold him all the more.

I wish I was better at spending quiet time with my Lord.
It is something I need to fill my soul, and so often it gets put on the back burner.
I pray to Him, asking that I would find time to strengthen my Faith, but rarely do my part.

Lately I am very aware of complaining.
So many of our circumstances are unchangeable, and honestly we shouldn’t want to change them.
I do find myself wishing that I didn’t know some things. I wish I didn’t have a memory bank full of medical terms, but they are there. I wish the smell of Palmolive soap didn’t bring back a flood of emotions from the NICU, but it does. I wish I could say that fears of having to return to the hospital with Gavin weren’t a daily battle. But I would be lying.

I am trying to let life happen. We are all given one life on this earth. I want to look back on mine and be able to say I lived to the fullest. I want to be thankful for the experiences of this life, not grumbling about them.
After all, we are just passing through.

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