False Connections

Facebook.
Instagram.
Pinterest.
Gmail.
Blogger.

We all use them, and probably have 100+ "friends" who follow our every move, causing them to feel connected. We see posts of friends, and feel a connection - but how connected are we?

Really...honestly.

As these past 8 weeks of maternity leave come to a close, I have to admit that I have been consumed with the above forums. I used it at first to entertain me while I would breastfeed, or to escape from the "mundane life" I was living - which is all but mundane. But what I didn't realize was that I was becoming more and more closed off because of these False Connections.

They give you a sense of secure insecurity. Am I even making sense?

I see the perfectly posed mamas with their hair done & clearly showered, wearing CLOTHES - not sweatpants/t-shirt clothes, but ACTUAL clothes...the kind you would wear to face the outside world.
I see my frumpy attire.

I see perfectly planned out days, and realize that Gavin spent more time than I would like watching a movie - so I could feed Britton and help him be entertained at the same time.

My eyes behold couples on their date nights, and I realize how consumed our lives have become with these two beautiful lives filling our home with joy. Not that it is wrong that we are focused on them, but I am realizing more and more that we need to find a balance - put more emphasis on our marriage.
I see my deeply treasured marriage, not being treasured.

The endless meals perfectly prepared - or HELLO - the restaurant pictures...when was the last time we went to a fancy restaurant?
I see failure.

You see where I am going?

I know exactly what my friends have been up to, but didn't hear it from their lips. It was a perfectly presented set of photos with carefully chosen words to describe their blissful state. It wasn't until recently that I realized how I missed the person-to-person interactions. I believe each person has a need for interaction that cannot take place on a tech device.

Now don't get me wrong, I am as guilty as the next person! I only post the good stuff, the well behaved children, who are eating balanced meals (laugh). The selfie with make-up & ACTUAL clothes. The "good stuff". But those picture perfect moments only make up MOMENTS.

Our life isn't picture perfect, but it is jam-packed with love, so much laughter (often at ourselves), and good intentions to make MORE days with laughter, and less moments of feeling like we missed the mark.

Things a Pumpkin Spice Latte can't fix.

The past couple of days I have been off.

Ok, more than a little off...my patience runs thin (tissue paper thin). I find the smallest things annoy me, and the big things make me cry. I reach for my cash to pay for the Pumpkin Spice Latte, yet this empty ache throbs inside. I would love to blame this little girl growing inside, but friends - it goes deeper.

This heart of mine has been wandering through forests full of self. I tend to look inward, seeing only what I want. All the while there is a little boy who only wants to build a tent with his mama, and Facebook is calling my name. Again. A husband who takes the back seat some (most) days to said little boy. And sadly, my Savior who is finding Himself pushed back even further - the last place He belongs.

You see, not even a Latte (pumpkin or not) can fix this. I feel myself drawn back to my Lord, and to His feet I cling. I need Him every hour. I can only tread these waters of worry, doubt, selfishness, and fear for so long. My lungs heave and my legs go numb, but this morning I felt Him pulling me out. Out of those waters that I waded into on my own. Foolish. I never lost my Faith, but at the same time I wasn't putting Christ first. He needs to lead me. Lead our family. Lead my entire life.

How many times does one learn this lesson before it sticks? I feel like a child who can't seem to keep their hands to themselves, grabbing away others joy, and not reflecting the One who we were made to praise.

Lord, may this lesson stick for me. If not for all my days, then for longer than the last.

Praising HIM today that only He has the Power to redeem this sinner.
"Rejoice, oh child of God. Lift your eyes to see, with every morning light, again we are REDEEMED!"

Second time around

Many have asked if this blog has ended. The short answer is NO!

Funnily, I have started many entries, and they just don't come together like I want. So whether this one comes together, or not---it is getting posted! (my apologies in advance)



Some of you know that we are expecting our second baby the end of this year! What an exciting time this has been, and also full of more emotions than I could have expected. I have had plenty of pregnancy symptoms - which came as a surprise because Gavin's pregnancy was fairly calm in the first 20 weeks. It was after those first 20 weeks that it all started to fall to pieces. The numbness in my heart turned to fear, and out of that fear I found my faith more deeply than ever.

Thankfully God didn't leave me in that fear. As we approach 20 weeks I can't help but look back at the life that God gave us. Not just Gavin's - but Jason & my life together. We have grown, learned, clung to hope, and drawn closer together as a family. We have leaned so hard on our faith that it seemed the well would run dry. Praise the Lord, our story is not done, the little one kicking me from the inside is proof of that.

This week we were on vacation with Jason's family and it was such a wonderful time away. Before others would wake, I found myself on the front porch facing the rising sun and lake shore. Bible in hand, I dug into the Word. Deeply yearning to find my Savior in those moments. He didn't disappoint, I found him there, I found him in the calm of the morning. I found him in the rocking boat. I found him in the laughter of cousins playing while sandcastles were built. He was, and always is there - if only I was constantly on the look-out for Him.

The morning of August 24th is the awaited ultrasound, and with little hesitation I say that "It is well, with my soul". It isn't that I fear any issues that arise - for God has proven Himself more than faithful. My first pregnancy I found myself awake at 3:00 am, Googling answers to the unknown. This time around, I can truly say "It is well".

One earnest concern I had when we started considering adding another life to our family, was Gavin. I feared that people would question why we would even "risk" having another. And while there have been a few of those questions presented to us, it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. My mama heart fears that Gavin will think he was a burden that we had to carry. Oh my son - you are the joy in my heart - the big reason I can say that "it is well", is because God showed himself faithful in YOU. Not just the medical road you have bravely traveled, but the way your heart is so in-tune with others. Your concern for others at such a young age boggles my mind, and warms my heart. While the road has not always been easy, I would travel it again, and again, and again to be with you.

I will leave you with a song that has become my heart cry:
"So let go, my soul - and Trust in HIM the waves and wind still know His name. IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL".

Preparing for Battle

This morning. Picking up my sleeping 2 year old, seeing the baby fade from his face - turning into a handsome little boy. So many thoughts race through my mama mind. Where did time go? How did God see fit to bless us with this little guy? What kind of young man do we want to raise him to be?

The last one weighs heavy on my mind today.

You see, this world will teach him all he needs to know about evil. Lying, cheating, stealing - look to your local TV news story. Want to watch people's lives fall apart on "reality" TV - look no further than the Bachelor. Before you write me off as a prude, listen to what Chris Harrison said “This season has it all. We’ve got a virgin, who spends a night in the vanity suite (cheers), a wholesome young girl with an x-rate past (more cheers), and two widows hoping for a second chance at love.”

I'll be the first to admit I have watched many a season, and have enjoyed watching the drama unfold. I don't know if it is having a child of my own, or simply my eyes being opened. His statement just hit home hard. I understand that a lot of what is said is for ratings, but for me, my purity was something I took seriously. I will never regret waiting until our vows were said, and my promise was made to love ONE for my whole life. To see people cheering as other's lives fall apart was heartbreaking.

I have heard of more Christian women reading "50 Shades of Grey", thinking that it must be harmless since it is a book. To me it is no different than a Playboy magazine. I wouldn't want Jason reading something like that, and I won't either. Period.

When TV shows like The Affair and Transparent are praised with Golden Globes and standing ovations, I have to fight off the urge to throw the TV out the door, scoop up Gavin, and keep him home for the rest of his life. I know that is not the answer. But in a culture that mocks God, and praises the immoral - I have to wonder what can I do as a mama to teach Gavin how to be a godly man in an ungodly world.

For now we will let love reign in our home. Teach him how to pray. Sing Jesus Loves Me before bed (a favorite of Gavin's) it may be simple, but he loves it. Show him a loving marriage, where mama respects dad and dad shows his mama love.

And we may have to seriously consider whether or not to even hit the ON button on the TV.

The bottom line? I want so desperately to bring Honor to Christ. The whole idea of raising a godly son against some pretty hefty odds, brings to mind David and Goliath. There may be a giant before Jason and I, but let me tell you something - we are strapping on our battle gear, and are preparing to fight his war.

Bring on the battle.

If God is for us - who can stand against us?

2015 - One word

Brave.

Last year I decided against making New Year resolutions, and instead picked a word to focus on for the year. FearLESS was that word. While 2014 had moments of fear, the desire to put my faith in the Lord won.

As I think of the year ahead, my heart wants to be Brave.

I know it isn't a word many would use for a mom, wife, and administrative assistant. I am no warrior, and I am rarely in dangerous situations. However, I want to be Brave.

Brave when it comes to standing up for what I truly believe in - even if it isn't popular. Faith has become something that is looked down on, and I don't want to stay silent anymore. I believe in the one TRUE God. I believe that Jesus Christ rescued me from the darkest of days and brought me into the light. I believe in the Alpha & Omega, my Abba Father, the Savior of my Soul.

Brave for our family - in a culture where marriage is more of a hobby than a life-long journey. A culture that says it's okay to end it when the fairytale wears off. I want to show that marriage is a blessing - a blessing that each couple has to work for. I want to be a better example of a wife for Gavin - showing him the respect I have for his daddy.

Brave when it comes to life decisions for Gavin. Not just medically, but in all aspects of life. As he grows from a toddler to a little man, I want his daddy & I to be there to help him find his way.

Brave - a five letter word. A word I think I need this year. 

Here's to a brand new year.

Grace

The more I live, the more I realize that everyone has their own "hard".

...The father struggling to keep up with the ever growing demands of his wife and children.
...The daughter who lost her father. He was her hero - he always will be.
...The mother caring for her medically complex child. Day in-day out. No end, no break.
...The parents who lost their son. Why him? He was too young.
...The new mom, struggling to stay awake during nightly feeds. She can only hope to have enough energy to welcome visitors who come to see her new little one.
...The dad who regrets missing out on special moments in life, all because he was chasing the American Dream.
...The wife who clings to her lost love. Just one year ago. Running to his closet to get one last breath of his scent.
...The family, torn apart by a broken marriage. How did it come to this?
...The sister, longing for a healthy brother. Why does he seem so distant these days?
...The mama doing the parent thing on her own. What would she give for a break?
...The student who struggles each day, but one cruel peer's words make them question if all this is worth it.
...The parents who made it home from the longest hospital stay of their lives, only to feel overwhelmed beyond belief. How will they make it each day?
...The mom/wife/caregiver who fears what will happen when she is gone. Who will love on her littles like she does? Who will be the cheerleader for her husband? Can cancer be so cruel?
...The girl wondering if love will ever find her, or if it will only continue to find others around her.
...The one who by all appearances has it all together, while inside lies only broken pieces and broken dreams.


You see - we all have our own "hard". Don't believe me? Just look at your family. Your friends. Really look at them - really SEE them.

With outstretched arms, extend GRACE. Open up your hands and let love flow. Speak uplifting words, and always - ALWAYS know that God is in control of your "hard". He sees you in your need, and He isn't about to let go.
Rest in that. Some days it is all we have.

Absent here - Present in our (crazy) Life

I'll be the first to admit that I have fallen off the blogging planet. Partly because SO much is going on that I don't even know where to begin, and partly because I don't have time to write down all that is going on.

On the home-front we have finished construction of our new garage shelving. My husband is truly talented, and I have been blown away with how much he knows about upkeep in a home. Gavin is growing (up to 18mo in shirts!), chatting up a storm, and learning how to be polite by saying "excuse me" or "nummy" as he says. A little strange when a stranger burps and Gavin says "nummy"... We are waiting for a call to schedule his spine surgery. More on that later (this is a fun non-medical post).


We have had multiple family outings to catch you all up on - and for your sake I will keep them short.

MN STATE FAIR - first time ever for Gavin and I.
Had a great time! Not yet the "yearly-dedicated-diehards", but we will go again someday.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
A definite yearly event for us - Gavin LOVED it!

UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA 

Tailgating and game - Gavin's first for both.

Had a BLAST!

HOTELS

Gavin is forever in love with the poooooool

HOPE KIDS EVENT

Can't say enough good things about this organization.

They make it possible for families with medically complex kiddos
 to get out and go to awesome events!

PARKS

Our little dare-devil loves the slides. Over and Over...

Last but not least Gavin anxiously waited
for the phone call that his newest cousin was here.

BABY DRAKE
He's here! And they are best buddies for life!

 Can't get enough of this little face. One proud auntie!

That's it - in fast, record time.

I promise to try to keep my updates on a more regular basis. I really do love blogging - life has just got away from me.

E-Z

Not to sound old fashioned, but in our "day-and-age", we are looking for the easiest, fastest way for EVERYTHING.

We live in a time where NO ONE has time.

Trying to fit as many activities in one day as humanly possible. Rushing from this play-date to that appointment, from that appointment to home - just in time to prepare a shockingly un-nutritious meal for your family. I want a social life just as much as the next guy, but it can be exhausting.

Keeping up with the Joneses (or Kardashians) is an all-to-real picture of our society.

I get it - believe me! I have Googled until I was blue in the face.

How to lose weight, while still eating what I want and exercising. There's a pill for that.

5 ingredient dinners, so I don't waste my night cooking. There's AllRecipes for that.

How do you know when you have spent "enough time" with the Lord. (You know, the perfect amount to make you not feel guilty, but also not interfering with your personal time.) Sadly - I have felt that way many times, and the truth is that you can't put a time-frame on God. I NEED that time with Him, man do I ever!

How to get quality time with your husband, while also pinning your next DIY projects to your Pinterest board. Take out the "quality time" part, and you have explained 95% of our homes - sadly this includes mine some days.

Get your child potty-trained faster. There's no pill for that, but plenty of ideas from moms. P.S. - turns out each kid is different! Imagine that!

Our potty-training boy. He's doing so great!
The goggles are a must!

It's no wonder we find anti-aging products everywhere we look! We are putting on the miles faster than ever before. I have found my fair share of grays already.

All of this dawned on me this morning as I pulled my weary soul out of bed. I am guilty of rushing, cramming, saying "yes" when I should have said "maybe later", and in general - looking for the easy way out.

Just my own thoughts, but maybe I need realize that I can't do it all. Jason, if you are reading this - you were right... I commit to things when I really shouldn't, and instead should be prioritizing my life better. I don't want to look back at these precious years with Jason & Gavin, and only see a blur.

My attempt to get a quick answer from the Dr. landed me in the ER.
Turns out stress can do a lot to a body.

I don't want to regret taking on too much, while I miss the little things that really matter. Do the dishes in the sink matter as much when there is a little guy holding a book, pulling on my leg to read? Simple answer: no!

Try saying no to that face! I dare you.

I want to plan my meals so I enjoy cooking again. I want to take time to talk with Jason like we used to - instead of "unwinding" with the TV or our iPhones. I want to spend time with my Lord each morning so I can renew my strength.

Here's to accomplishing my "I want tos".

Five years have passed...

...since we said I do.

A lot has changed, yet I wouldn't change a thing.
I love him more than I ever thought possible, and I know the same story will be true five years from now.
We have learned more about each other than we ever thought necessary.
Together we have trekked through some pretty thick weeds of selfishness, discontentment, and misunderstandings.
With God as our guide, we are working on making less of the selfish mistakes.

In five years we have taken on our titles as husband and wife, and I will be grateful for the rest of my time on earth for the man who calls me his wife.
We have seen each other at our worst, and at our absolute best.
I have learned to leave my parents, and cling to him. It wasn't easy - but it was necessary. Side-note: Thank you to my parents for pointing me to him when I was seeking your advice. It was a habit that was hard to break, but alas! I have done it.

We have lived in a third floor apartment with no elevator. I like to think carrying up bags of groceries strengthened our bond - and our muscles.
Been through multiple doctor/ER visits with each other. I think God was prepping us for Gavin.
Survived 5 seasons of the Huskers, WILD, and Vikings not doing so well. If we made it through that, we can get through anything right?
Together we rode the roller coaster of a crazy pregnancy. Joys and pain marked our journey for easy recall in the future. He held me in my darkest days, and never let go.
He held my hand as we welcomed our firstborn into this crazy world. Seeing the love of my life with our son still pulls my heart in relentless ways. He is beyond amazing with Gavin - the laughter I hear coming from the other room is more than I can ask as a mom and wife.

Together we bought our first house, and have made it our home.

With God as our leader, we founded LifeSong Ministry - and have loved every minute of it.

He has pointed me to God when I needed it, encouraged me when I was defeated, and shown me love that I never thought would be mine. He knows when I say "I'm fine", that I'm not really "fine". When I need an extra push or tough love - he's my guy. He's my realist - I'm his optimist. He is fine spending days by himself in solitude - I'd go nuts and need to be with people. He loves to cook and is FAR better than I - for I burn the food when it is taking too long, he is patient and cooks it just right. He sees the big picture, I see the details. I am emotionally driven, and he is factually driven. He is the bread to my butter - the beat in my heart. The love of my life.

Happy 5 years good lookin'! Here's to 70 more!