What if...

Somedays I have lots of "what if" moments.

Today is one such day.

Some what ifs are hard,

while others are inspiring.

What if

I was happy for my best friend's opportunity to move to California for work,

instead of being deeply saddened.

Thrilled that she gets to travel,

and bless many sweet home health patients with her love and care.

What if

this life was meant to be cherished? Each moment.

Not just the BIG "important" moments - but also the simple ones.

I think that is how it should be. Right?

What if

we make great strides - like little Gavin sitting up (assisted by his Boppy pillow).

and then decide - man, this is harder than I thought. I think I'll take a break!

To smell the roses - or in his case...stare at the wall. :)

What if

We make time to be silly?

(Think I'm ready for my bid debut with the bearded men

 on Duck Dynasty!)

Gavin liked my look so much that he

had to see how he would look as a brunette. 

I think we like him just as he is!

What if

life is was meant to be lived? 

Not saving up for another day...

we aren't promised those next days.

As the writer of "a holy experience" put it - 

"Saving yourself up isn't how the saved are meant to live. GO FOR BROKE".

What if you went for broke?

Shadows on the Ceiling

A few nights ago, after I put my sweet boy down, he started to stir. I heard his little body wiggling on his sheets - through the monitor that sat beside me as I washed his bottles, and other dishes from the day. There was no doubt, the boy I laid down was AWAKE!

I walked in and turned on my iPhone flashlight app. (Sidenote: I am a bit behind in the technology world, but if you have a smart phone you must download the flashlight app!) As the light shone on his crib, I saw his two-teeth glistening. The he began to giggle. The sweetest laugh I have heard come out of him. I wasn't making faces, I wasn't tickling or prodding him to laugh. He just laughed when he saw the light, and my face...still not sure if I should be offended about that.

Poor sweet boy had too much fun, and spit up all over his crib. He was inconsolable for about 10 minutes, so I brought him in our room and laid him between his daddy and I. Turned out he lights and had the flashlight (courtesy of my iPhone) shining on the ceiling.

What happened next was pure innocence. My husband, son and I laid in our bed together, making shadow puppets on the ceiling. I made the only one I know - the butterfly, Jason made a dog and some other creature - not sure what it was, and Gavin laid their completely transfixed on the show playing out before his eyes.

It was simple - no money involved. Just a sweet moment in time that I will always cherish. A time when our little boy needed us to spend time with him (even though it was 11:00 at night). A moment that I pray we will get to recreate many times in the future.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to brush up my shadow puppet skills.

Less than perfect?

Today has been one of those days.
I haven't been a gracious wife. I have been selfish.
Asking God the "why me" questions. Why do I struggle with selfishness? Daily fighting against my human nature. Why does my sweet uncle have to face cancer? Why? How can there be so many mommies and daddies facing many unknown days in the NICU and hospital? Am I not praying hard enough for Gavin? Why God, does my sweet boy's road seem so hard?

Then this little video came across my computer when I was on my lunch break.
If you are having a less than perfect day, or perhaps questioning God while going through some hard trials - listen to this video.
Particularly the part where John Piper speaks.

"All of it {your affliction} is TOTALLY meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience, is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that." - John Piper 

Do not lose heart. Everyday, focus on the Lord.
Until your heart SINGS with confidence that you are are new and cared for!

Every tear was worth it all!

This was worth it:

This was worth it:

This was worth it:

This was worth it!

Because THIS was worth it. 

Jesus is the reason I know it is all.going.to be OK!

If you are having one of those days. Look up. Your strength can be found in HIM!

Saturday Stroll

After a stressful day on Friday, I woke up...on my own - baby still asleep! I took a shower and came out to find my husband playing with Gavin in our bed. Bliss. absolute bliss!

Jason had lots on his agenda for the day so the little man and I got out of his hair for a while and took a stroll. This was Gavin's first stroller trip facing forward!

Legs up - nothing like breeze on the toes!

Sweet smiles. He is starting to look
more and more like his daddy!

I could spend all of my days with him and never be sick of him!

Love you walking buddy!

Another MRI down - one more to go...

This past Friday I took my sweet little Gav to the Dr. for another MRI. Thank heavens for my parents being able to join us, as Jason was unable to get off of work. The day really was a whirlwind, and jam-packed with emotions (even though I think I did a good job being "brave").

In a nutshell (via iphone pics):

Before the MRI - snuggling with his Grandma. Doesn't he look SO big!?

After his MRI, yes that is a smile behind his oxygen mask! 

This boy is the bravest little boy I know! Daily, I am reminded of God's faithfulness to him!

One of the medicines that they gave him to clear up his congestion turned his face so red. His face is puffy from the IV fluids. The electrodes on his chest were new to me - apparently that is the kind they always use during MRIs? I don't remember them from previous MRIs, but either way, I took to calling him my little Iron Man, for more than one reason. He is tough!

We met with Dr. Guillaume (neurosurgeon) after the MRI. He explained that there is still fluid in his spinal cord. The amount hasn't increased, but it also hasn't gone down which is what they would like it to do. There is still a gap in his skull that was there before, and we knew it would still not be shut yet. Both of those things will be re-evaluated in 6 months with another MRI. His cord stayed untethered and looks perfect - which is HUGE! For now we pray. Pray for complete healing for Gavin.

He is absolutely - without a doubt - EXACTLY the way he should be. All of these things were orchestrated by our Heavenly Father, even before we knew we wanted a baby, before Jason and I met, and well before either of us were born. From his tiny toes, to the tip of his nose - PERFECTION.

Can't argue with that - just check out those legs! See---Iron Man! Am I right?
They did an MRI on his left leg to ensure that there weren't any vein anomalies under his port wine stain.

Thankfully, the veins were all normal!

If you have time - add Gavin's COMPLETE healing to your prayer list. We know that God is in control, and that in HIS time, he will be healed!

Sweet Giggles

Our little man has always been quick to giggle, I just haven't taken the time to catch it on video.
This video isn't head-on, if he sees the camera he stops whatever he is doing. Just like his daddy.

My sweet Gavin, you light up my life!
Love you buboo!

Gavin's EEG

Thank you for the prayers for Gavin's EEG. It was last week (Tuesday). I was hoping for good results, if I'm honest - I feared that we would hear bad ones.

God was in it from the beginning, just as He always has been. We had a good meeting with the Dr. before the EEG. He found Gavin to be very healthy and as far as preemies go, right on track! The EEG tech arrived to take in for the test and she prepared us for the crying. She said they strap the babies down to a papoose board, swaddle them and scrub their head where the electrodes connect to, kids usually scream, fall asleep - most parents have to leave the room.

Our little Gavin was a trooper! He didn't cry - not even once.

He even went to sleep so they could get his brain sleep patterns.
Side-note, he may make a good mummy for Halloween!

After his EEG we had to wait for our meeting with the dermatologist. They wanted to check on his port wine stain on his leg. It has really lightened up a lot in the last 8 months. To officially "dismiss" us, they want to do an MRI to ensure that there are no vein anomalies under the skin.

Here he is, waiting for his Derm appointment. Hair style, courtesy of EEG tech.

The next day we got a call from the neurologist. Gavin's brain scan showed NORMAL brain activity! I was beyond excited - a GREAT report!!! The cause of seizures is still unknown, but we know that it isn't one of the "bad" causes. For now, he is on seizure medication and we will re-evaluate in a year!

Isn't God good?

Sweet Innocence

Jason & I were unexpectedly blessed on our walk last night. On our way back from the park, two little girls (sisters) were playing with their puppy in some tall weeds off the trail. The dog ran up to us and thus began the sweetest conversation I have had in many moons.

Oldest girl (OG): He is SOOOOO cute!
Me: Thank you.
OG: Why do you think he is so cute?
Me: I don't know, why do you think he is?
OG: Maybe because he has blue eyes like me?
Me: Maybe.
OG: I think he is going to be an inventor when he grows up!
Me: Really? Why do you think that?
OG: Because he has blue eyes like me, and I want to be an inventor. Plus, I think he is reading my mind!

SO Sweet!

Youngest Girl (YG):  <Giggles> Is he (Gavin) farting?
Me: No, he has a cold an sometimes makes funny noises.
YG: Why does he have a cold?
Me: He picked it up from some other kids at daycare.
YG: Why?
Me: Same reason you or I would get a cold.
YG: My sister pooped on my mom.
Me: Oh my!
YG: Well not NOW...like when she was a baby. When I was in my mommy's belly, I pooped and peed in her belly, that is why I had to come out, so they could clean her belly.
Me: Sounds about right! ;)
Gavin: <Smiles at the girls bashfully>
Me: Are you flirting, Gavin?
YG: What is flirting?
Me:....Uh....

Hahaha. Kids are THEE best!!!

Here is a quick video of mine, he wanted to send a get well video to his Grandma who has an infected tooth. :(

Catch up.

 Quick recap of pictures.

 Sleepy from his cold.

 Still dishing out the smiles, even with a cold and stomach bug!

 Excited for Pajama Day at daycare and a night with his Auntie C!

Former back-sleeper.

Official side-sleeper, like his mommy!

Happy weekend Folks!

Dearest Gavin

My sweet one-toothed boy.
You came into this world as a little 4lb 8oz baby boy.
So unbelievably tiny, with a fighter instinct.
A miracle from the Lord.

The first months of parenthood were survival mode.
Even if you would have been perfectly healthy, we would still have worried about you.
I didn't really let myself day dream about your future - about the boy you would someday be.
I feared losing you.

Now that you have been in our lives for over 7 months (15 months if you count in utero),
I find myself dreaming of the days ahead.
Will you like trucks? Are you going to be adventurous or more of a timid soul?
Can I expect to find froggies, worms, and rocks in your pockets?

Right now your favorite things to play with are your toes, hands, and your puppy.
You chew on anything you can get your chubby little fingers on.
When you are fussy, we step outside in the Minnesota air and you are instantly calm.
No doubt you will find joy in the great outdoors like your daddy!

I hope you take after him. He is so sweet with you.
Some days I wish I could bottle up the little snippets of time that you spend with him.
He has a voice that he uses only with you. His shushes are a calming force for you.
I found out from your Grandma that daddy had a stubborn streak when he was little, and that comes out in you sometimes. (Mostly when your bottle is taken away.)

You love your daycare lady, Nikki.
All of the kiddos at daycare are so in love with you, and call you "baby Gavin"
They cheered you on when you rolled over for them.
For some reason you save your #2 diapers for her - bless her heart!

When you see your bottle, spoon, or medicine syringe your tongue starts going.
You sweetly fold your hands when we feed you from your bottle.
When you get solid foods you instantly grab for the spoon.
There is no doubt that your favorite activity is eating!
That is just another sign of God's provisions for us. The Docs and nurses warned us about the potential problems with eating, but you have been an absolute champ!

Your eyes pop when you wear blue.
Right now you have a better tan than your mommy!
That little bottom tooth shows when you smile, and it is the sweetest thing!

You are able to roll better from your tummy to your back. Waiting on back to tummy.
As of last week you started to bear weight on your legs.
With a little help you can sit up on your own for a few seconds.
Daddy thought you were going to say "Da-da" last night - didn't happen because you are working on Ma-ma first. Right?

All of that said, the time is simply flying by too fast for my liking!
Before we know it you'll be smashing into your 1 year old birthday cake!
I don't know what the future holds for our little family of three,
but I do know that you have forever changed me - my little Gavin.
You have a smile that stops me in my tracks,
and when you get excited your whole body wiggles.

Don't ever forget that your mommy loves you deeply.
My dreams for you pail in comparison to what God has planned for you.
Trust in Him all of your days!

I love you - my darling boy,

Mommy