Friday, April 4, 2014

Call it what you will.

There isn't one specific item on my heart today. No - in fact a multitude of emotions, thoughts, and questions are bouncing around in my head. Sort of like the little beads inside many of Gavin's toys - no rhyme or reason, just bouncing around in there. I'll be honest, it makes it hard to focus!

Here are a few of the "beads" in my head:

Health. I had a dream last night that I was diagnosed with cancer in 3 different spots on my body. I don't know why, but it got me really thinking about how I am handling this ONE life I am blessed to live. What am I putting in my body? How do I spend the 24 hours I am gifted in each day? Do I say "I love you" enough?Sadly, my one-time dream is a reality for so many that I love. I pray for healing each day!

Motherhood. To put it in the words of my MN friends - "Uffdah!" Whether your kids are tiny newborns or toddling their way through terrible twos. Perhaps they are healthy, or maybe wracking up "frequent flyer" miles at the hospital. They could be perfect angels, or getting into EVERYTHING in sight. No matter what side you fall on, motherhood is a hard journey. Some days have been so gut-busting hard that I don't know where my next breath will come from, and others are so full of joy that I never want to stop breathing those sweet moments in. I think some people may look at our life from the outside and see all of our troubles, but let me just tell you that I wouldn't trade Gavin for more nights of sleep, more days at home, or less hospital bills. He has brought so much joy into this world of mine, and has helped me see that this life is very frail. It is indeed "a vapor", as James 4:14 says - and I want to enjoy each droplet of that steam!

Snow - Don't want to complain, but will you PLEASE stop?? I am craving a nice long walk with Gavin out in front kicking at the wind! I may be huffing and puffing, but when that thermometer hits 50, I'm getting out there!

Fragility - When we started our ministry, I could have never anticipated the outpouring of support and love from family, friends, and strangers. I am touched each day by the love we feel.
I also didn't think about the hard stories that we would hear.
The ones that leave you without words.
The kind that make you feel like a kid again, yelling "That's not fair".
People who have tried for a long time to get pregnant are now faced with uncertainty and complications with their baby.
Friends who prepared their hearts to welcome a little one, and only heart ache came.
Acquaintances that delivered their baby and are now spending days and months in the NICU/PICU.

Marriage - The beads in my head are constantly rattling around on this topic. Probably because it is the one that needs my attention most, yet gets it the least. I need to stop "wanting" to work on respecting Jason more and actually START respecting him. I need to stop putting off dates, and sweet couple times - because I crave those most out of anything!

Quiet time - This is a biggie, and sadly the demands of work life, home life, and social life have pushed it to the back burner yet again. I need this the most! It is hard to say that don't "crave" time with my Lord, and sadly it is usually an item on my "To-do" list. What a sad statement, but I must be honest. I have become lost when it comes to my spiritual life, and I feel the Lord calling me back to him each day - but sadly my response is "in a minute, Lord". CRINGE! What if He said that to me? What if when I was pleading with Him to heal my son, He put a hand up and said "not now, I have other things I am busy with". I shudder to think of that. He is ALWAYS there, just waiting for me to meet with him. Most days I leave him waiting, much like a scene from a movie. You know, the ones where the blind date doesn't show up? Thankfully, God won't give up on me. He can't, it's not in His nature - He loves me, even when I am un-loveable. He is FaithFULL when I am FaithLESS.
There are many more "beads" pinging around up there, but that is all I have time for today!

Happy Friday, friends!

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