Wrecked: "The remains of something that has been wrecked or ruined."
My words will surely fail me here, since God's work in my calloused heart can't be expressed wholly by written words. How does one put down into words, what the Lord does in your heart?
Lord, help me as I struggle with adequately conveying the wreckage of my heart! I want to remember it just as it was.
I wish I could hit "repeat" on this weekend. The warmer weather. Gavin taking his first of many steps. A date night with my Love. The first walk of the season. Open windows.
And a concert.
Casting Crowns, Laura Story, & For King and Country. They are all so talented, we love their music. I didn't expect a life change to transpire out of the concert though. Their words spoke to my heart, familiar songs were sung and my eyes - they were opened.
They say the band members walk through the arena and pray for each person that will be sitting in each chair. Perhaps they prayed extra for mine?
Faced daily with the question of who am I trying to be? Wife. Mother. Yes, those are a big part of me, but who am I trying to be? I think the answer would be the girl who knew the answers to the spiritual questions that she was faced with. The one who had unshakable faith, yet never had anything that rocked her world to the core. The young girl who loved to see Bible stories played out on the felt boards in our little country church. The teen who was determined to change her science teacher's mind on the Big Bang Theory and evolution. One who desired to go deeper in faith, and wouldn't let doubts stand in the way.
Desperately trying to get back. Scratching, clawing, fighting my way back. Read this book, page through that one. Listen to this speaker, sing to that song. Schedule quiet time, do quiet time less and less. Moments of doubt, and seconds of firm belief. Starting to give up, yet knowing that isn't an option. Alone, ashamed that my words don't match my heart.
Dangling off the edge of the cliff, with only a tattered string to cling to - and then out of the corner of my eye I see a new rope. How long has that been there? It isn't the one that has been there for 28 (almost 29) years, it isn't familiar but it is secure. It isn't worn by the years, and soaked with tears. My world - wrecked, and I desperately jump from my tattered string to the secure rope. Finally, I see that God is more than religion. I see that He LOVES me - despite my past - despite my lack of loyalty. I think I expected Him to shame me - but instead I felt love, and I have never felt more beautifully wrecked. He sees me for who I am - a sinner in need of Him, and He loves that ugly, sinful, betrayer. He sees me and my tattered string and cuts that cord. I don't need it anymore. I am thankful for the journey, but I can't go back now.
Revelation after revelation was spoken to a place in my heart that I didn't know existed - and it stuck there. I wish I had a mental notebook to keep all of those revelations, but the main ones can't be contained by writing - they are in my heart.
Casting Crowns' new CD is another smash hit in my mind. There is one song in particular, and at the first note, I knew which song it was - "Just Be Held". Ready to belt it out, they prefaced the song with a story about their bass player's son who is 11 months. 4 months ago he had surgery - not just surgery but a heart transplant. Can you imagine? The desire of all dad's is the same - to FIX things, to make things all better - but there are some things that are bigger than any earthly father. As the song played, picture after picture filled my tearful eyes of their son with a feeding tube, then one with a ventilator, then one with no-no's on his little IV laden arms. That is all I saw as I broke down in uncontrollable sobs on Jason's shoulder. We have walked a road similar to theirs, yet so very different. The next song they sang was "Let my life song sing to you" - isn't it amazing how God works? LifeSong - our ministry.
For the first time in a long time, I read my Bible without doubts. I read and read and read, I loved each sacred word. Oh how I have been waiting for this freedom. I know there will be days that will wear down the rope I am currently on, but I trust that He will throw me as many as I need over the coming years. We aren't meant to stay where we are, we are being shaped by the Creator.
"That was then, this is now. I wish I could go back, but I don't know how. I remember when I stood my ground, swore I'd never let you down - I want to be that man again. But that was then, and this is now!" This is now by Casting Crowns.
I have for so long wanted this - I am free. Satan - you can take a hike, your days of whispering doubts into my heart are over. I am through with it. I have the truth.
I am wrecked, but BABY... I'm FREE!