False Connections

Facebook.
Instagram.
Pinterest.
Gmail.
Blogger.

We all use them, and probably have 100+ "friends" who follow our every move, causing them to feel connected. We see posts of friends, and feel a connection - but how connected are we?

Really...honestly.

As these past 8 weeks of maternity leave come to a close, I have to admit that I have been consumed with the above forums. I used it at first to entertain me while I would breastfeed, or to escape from the "mundane life" I was living - which is all but mundane. But what I didn't realize was that I was becoming more and more closed off because of these False Connections.

They give you a sense of secure insecurity. Am I even making sense?

I see the perfectly posed mamas with their hair done & clearly showered, wearing CLOTHES - not sweatpants/t-shirt clothes, but ACTUAL clothes...the kind you would wear to face the outside world.
I see my frumpy attire.

I see perfectly planned out days, and realize that Gavin spent more time than I would like watching a movie - so I could feed Britton and help him be entertained at the same time.

My eyes behold couples on their date nights, and I realize how consumed our lives have become with these two beautiful lives filling our home with joy. Not that it is wrong that we are focused on them, but I am realizing more and more that we need to find a balance - put more emphasis on our marriage.
I see my deeply treasured marriage, not being treasured.

The endless meals perfectly prepared - or HELLO - the restaurant pictures...when was the last time we went to a fancy restaurant?
I see failure.

You see where I am going?

I know exactly what my friends have been up to, but didn't hear it from their lips. It was a perfectly presented set of photos with carefully chosen words to describe their blissful state. It wasn't until recently that I realized how I missed the person-to-person interactions. I believe each person has a need for interaction that cannot take place on a tech device.

Now don't get me wrong, I am as guilty as the next person! I only post the good stuff, the well behaved children, who are eating balanced meals (laugh). The selfie with make-up & ACTUAL clothes. The "good stuff". But those picture perfect moments only make up MOMENTS.

Our life isn't picture perfect, but it is jam-packed with love, so much laughter (often at ourselves), and good intentions to make MORE days with laughter, and less moments of feeling like we missed the mark.

Adjustment periods

It has been almost 2 months since miss Britton Harper joined our family of 3, and turned our world upside down in the BEST way possible. Who would have thought that one little person could be such a perfect fit in the lives of 3 others?

She arrived as planned, on December 29th, at 9:10am - screaming her way into this world. I prayed that we would be able to hear her cry when she arrived, and MAN were my prayers answered! She may have a career as a Drill Sergeant - so far she is calling the shots around this house. When she was born, I knew I had again fallen hopelessly in love with another sweet babe. I had my doubts when I was pregnant that my love for another could be matched with the love I have for Gavin. A crazy phenomenon happens when you have two kids - your love multiplies. It isn't divided among the two - it is different for each little one.

I'll be honest, my heart was stretched in a million directions on those first days. Healing from my c-section, trying to make my way through the mental fog, and not being able to have my sunshine boy with me. It wasn't easy. Gavin was full of hugs for Britton, but was a little leery of mommy being in a hospital bed. One of the last days we were there he came to visit with my parents, and I was finally able to give him a hug and walk with him - it wasn't as I expected it to be. He had seemed to have grown an extra 5 inches, gained 10 pounds, and aged 3 years. His jealousy seemed to be kicking in, and my heart immediately broke. It wasn't that he was acting out horribly, he was just not himself. After he left I wondered if life at home could be bearable, if I could connect with him again after this bond with Britton had begun. I took to texting a few dear friends who had added to their brood recently, and found encouragement that we were going to make it, that it was normal, and that it would all be okay.

Adjustment periods.

They take time - they are needed. I wanted it to be easy, seamless. I wanted to be the family that finally figured out how to throw a babe into the mix and not have a crazy shift in roles happen. Truth is, I became a mama of two. Gavin became a brother. Jason became a daddy to his daughter. So yes - we needed to adjust a lot.

I am happy to report that Gavin is doing great! There were a couple of weeks that were part three-year-old "normal" attitude issues, and part adjusting to a sister changing up his normal day. Thankfully he LOVES his sweet sister to pieces - at times I have to remind him that she is still too tiny to defend herself from the monstrous hugs he gives her.

Stay tuned for my personal tips on ways to help the adjustment period "sting" a little less.

I've found...

Contentment lies not in what you have. It lies not in what you have accomplished. It lies not in what others think of you.

I have found that as the years go by, the things that once filled my heart with joy, now lie covered in dust. I've found that my mind focuses more on relationships, rather than how I measure up. The world around us is crumbling faster now than ever, and I see chaos all around.

This morning, as is with every morning, the darkness lies on the earth, and all is calm. Each morning Gavin stirs, and I get the privilege of scooping him up from his warm bed, and wrapping him up in a blanket to rock and cuddle. It is those moments - they have crafted a little piece of my contentment.

Some mornings, like this one - there are extra blessings. My sunshine boy wanted extra cuddles, the sunrise was a perfect blend of bright blue sky, with ribbons of purple, orange, and pink clouds. If that wasn't enough to fill my mama-cup, a jam session ensued. Of course he had to include to his favorite worship songs. He listens and drums on his "trap set". How full can one's heart get?! To me it is a set of candles, and two glow-sticks. To him it is his most prized musical instrument. I have said it before, but I will say it again - there is something special with my sunshine boy. Something that deeply moves me. Maybe it is that we share the same love-languages? Maybe it is his deeply sensitive side - not a sissy sensitive, but a caring and sincere awareness of others. I think the biggest part is that God created him unique - not a single person on this earth has been, or will be like my Gavin.

I would be a fool to not mention one of the biggest crafters of my contentment - the man who took me, and made me his wife. He is a hard worker, and a handy man. He puts our needs before his own. I am torn between pride, and being ashamed that he is a WAY better cook than I. He makes us meals, and is always the last to sit down. He takes on extra tasks at home when I can't, and knows when I am pushing my limits. He is the wrestler extraordinaire, and can get the best laughs out of Gavin - there is nothing like their bond. He has pressed on when obsticles have faced him, and worked through situations when most would wave the white flag. And oh, his embrace - it creates contentment. The times we get to spend in conversation are my day-makers.

The giver of this contentment isn't found in these two men, it is in the one who gave them to me for this short time on earth. He has provided me with all I need - and so much more! Through Him we have experienced the highest high, and the lowest lows - but he rode those waves with us. I know there are stormy seas ahead, I know life isn't always going to be cuddles and sunrises. But I am confident that He is going to ride the waves with us. Contentment is something I have always struggled with, and something I ever expected to find. That beings said, I am FAR from achieving complete contentment, one trip into Target shows me things that I "need to have", and a look through our neighborhood shows me that we may not match up, but for now - for today - this moment, my heart is full!

Be held.

Last week a cold front moved into our area, and with it came some strong winds. The kind that shake the house. My sunshine boy is becoming more and more aware of the things around him - and unfortunately it is an awareness of things that scare him.

Now, he has never been a fan of the wind, but I had no clue how sincerely scared he was.

I woke to "Mommy! I scared. I scared!" He sure was - as I crawled into his new full-sized "big boy" bed, he clung to my neck like it was his life-line. I could feel his little heart rapidly beating through his footie jammies. When he let go, his eyes were as wide as quarters. Every new sound sent his eyes darting across the room, and he reached for my hand. I knew then that my sleep would have to take place next to him for the evening.

The crazy thing about this thing called motherhood is that I WANTED to be awake until he fell asleep again. I wanted to know he isn't laying in fear, holding his breath for the next gust of wind. We laid there for quite some time, as I rubbed his back and he held onto my arm. The wind picked up and he started to whimper, I asked what was wrong - he said "I scared, I need to cry". My heart broke for him - you see, I know that we are safe in our house. I know that it is just the wind, but to him it is a very real fear. So I scooped him up him my arms and sang his favorite songs to him, adding a few of my own. As he started to relax, I could see the worry leave his face.

Before we knew it morning came, and the fear was momentarily gone for my sunshine boy.

As I drove to work the next day, I realized how much the experience was like my walk in faith. There are so many times when I cry out to God to rescue me, to take away the burden of a loved one, to calm the fears in my mama-heart. And so many times I try to take it all on my own - holding my breath, eyes darting around for the next mountain to crumble.

Strangely enough, today marks the point in pregnancy when Gavin entered this world. I will never forget that day. The fears, the unknowns, and oh the joy of seeing him. I would be lying if I said that the experience we had with Gavin hasn't placed some unwanted fear in my heart. I have been waiting for this day since the beginning - 33 weeks, 6 days. We are here! By the grace of God, we made it!

What am I trying to get at? That through the fears, through the storms - I was calmed in the arms of my heavenly Father. I will admit there were times that I cried out in anger, and I know there were times when I cried out in sheer desperation. But when all is said and done, my Father is a good, good Father and He watches over me.

Sunshine boy

I will never forget the way you came into this world. Quiet, so small. And then all at once, the sound of your cry - it was weak, but it was proof - you had arrived.

Since that day, I will never cease to be amazed with you. You have changed my world, turning it upside-down and inside out. The endless dinosaurs, cars, and trains. And oh your imagination! What a gift that is, it will take you farther than any movies or video games can ever go.

You are proof are that boys aren't all rough & tumble. You have a deeply sensitive soul, and aren't afraid to cuddle with your mama. You took all my fears of being a mama to a boy, and made them the stuff of my dreams.

Each day I see you changing, growing. I see the hairs on your legs that weren't there before. I hear you say "I love you!", before I prompt you to do so. You are a social boy through-and-through, and I love that about you. You refuse to listen to anything but praise & worship music, and will burst into "Oh, I need you" at a moments notice.

I also see the little 4 lb 8 oz boy that came into this world - so many parts of you haven't changed, and in my mama heart, they never will. The way you love when we make mistakes (hint...there are more to come---sorry). How your face hasn't changed when you sleep - pouty lips & chubby cheeks. Your love for music - especially "You are my Sunshine".

There isn't much I don't love about you dear boy. You are the reason I get to bare the title "mama", and I have no doubt you will make the greatest big brother in a few short months.

Things a Pumpkin Spice Latte can't fix.

The past couple of days I have been off.

Ok, more than a little off...my patience runs thin (tissue paper thin). I find the smallest things annoy me, and the big things make me cry. I reach for my cash to pay for the Pumpkin Spice Latte, yet this empty ache throbs inside. I would love to blame this little girl growing inside, but friends - it goes deeper.

This heart of mine has been wandering through forests full of self. I tend to look inward, seeing only what I want. All the while there is a little boy who only wants to build a tent with his mama, and Facebook is calling my name. Again. A husband who takes the back seat some (most) days to said little boy. And sadly, my Savior who is finding Himself pushed back even further - the last place He belongs.

You see, not even a Latte (pumpkin or not) can fix this. I feel myself drawn back to my Lord, and to His feet I cling. I need Him every hour. I can only tread these waters of worry, doubt, selfishness, and fear for so long. My lungs heave and my legs go numb, but this morning I felt Him pulling me out. Out of those waters that I waded into on my own. Foolish. I never lost my Faith, but at the same time I wasn't putting Christ first. He needs to lead me. Lead our family. Lead my entire life.

How many times does one learn this lesson before it sticks? I feel like a child who can't seem to keep their hands to themselves, grabbing away others joy, and not reflecting the One who we were made to praise.

Lord, may this lesson stick for me. If not for all my days, then for longer than the last.

Praising HIM today that only He has the Power to redeem this sinner.
"Rejoice, oh child of God. Lift your eyes to see, with every morning light, again we are REDEEMED!"

Second time around

Many have asked if this blog has ended. The short answer is NO!

Funnily, I have started many entries, and they just don't come together like I want. So whether this one comes together, or not---it is getting posted! (my apologies in advance)



Some of you know that we are expecting our second baby the end of this year! What an exciting time this has been, and also full of more emotions than I could have expected. I have had plenty of pregnancy symptoms - which came as a surprise because Gavin's pregnancy was fairly calm in the first 20 weeks. It was after those first 20 weeks that it all started to fall to pieces. The numbness in my heart turned to fear, and out of that fear I found my faith more deeply than ever.

Thankfully God didn't leave me in that fear. As we approach 20 weeks I can't help but look back at the life that God gave us. Not just Gavin's - but Jason & my life together. We have grown, learned, clung to hope, and drawn closer together as a family. We have leaned so hard on our faith that it seemed the well would run dry. Praise the Lord, our story is not done, the little one kicking me from the inside is proof of that.

This week we were on vacation with Jason's family and it was such a wonderful time away. Before others would wake, I found myself on the front porch facing the rising sun and lake shore. Bible in hand, I dug into the Word. Deeply yearning to find my Savior in those moments. He didn't disappoint, I found him there, I found him in the calm of the morning. I found him in the rocking boat. I found him in the laughter of cousins playing while sandcastles were built. He was, and always is there - if only I was constantly on the look-out for Him.

The morning of August 24th is the awaited ultrasound, and with little hesitation I say that "It is well, with my soul". It isn't that I fear any issues that arise - for God has proven Himself more than faithful. My first pregnancy I found myself awake at 3:00 am, Googling answers to the unknown. This time around, I can truly say "It is well".

One earnest concern I had when we started considering adding another life to our family, was Gavin. I feared that people would question why we would even "risk" having another. And while there have been a few of those questions presented to us, it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. My mama heart fears that Gavin will think he was a burden that we had to carry. Oh my son - you are the joy in my heart - the big reason I can say that "it is well", is because God showed himself faithful in YOU. Not just the medical road you have bravely traveled, but the way your heart is so in-tune with others. Your concern for others at such a young age boggles my mind, and warms my heart. While the road has not always been easy, I would travel it again, and again, and again to be with you.

I will leave you with a song that has become my heart cry:
"So let go, my soul - and Trust in HIM the waves and wind still know His name. IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL".