Monday, November 23, 2015

Be held.

Last week a cold front moved into our area, and with it came some strong winds. The kind that shake the house. My sunshine boy is becoming more and more aware of the things around him - and unfortunately it is an awareness of things that scare him.

Now, he has never been a fan of the wind, but I had no clue how sincerely scared he was.

I woke to "Mommy! I scared. I scared!" He sure was - as I crawled into his new full-sized "big boy" bed, he clung to my neck like it was his life-line. I could feel his little heart rapidly beating through his footie jammies. When he let go, his eyes were as wide as quarters. Every new sound sent his eyes darting across the room, and he reached for my hand. I knew then that my sleep would have to take place next to him for the evening.

The crazy thing about this thing called motherhood is that I WANTED to be awake until he fell asleep again. I wanted to know he isn't laying in fear, holding his breath for the next gust of wind. We laid there for quite some time, as I rubbed his back and he held onto my arm. The wind picked up and he started to whimper, I asked what was wrong - he said "I scared, I need to cry". My heart broke for him - you see, I know that we are safe in our house. I know that it is just the wind, but to him it is a very real fear. So I scooped him up him my arms and sang his favorite songs to him, adding a few of my own. As he started to relax, I could see the worry leave his face.

Before we knew it morning came, and the fear was momentarily gone for my sunshine boy.

As I drove to work the next day, I realized how much the experience was like my walk in faith. There are so many times when I cry out to God to rescue me, to take away the burden of a loved one, to calm the fears in my mama-heart. And so many times I try to take it all on my own - holding my breath, eyes darting around for the next mountain to crumble.

Strangely enough, today marks the point in pregnancy when Gavin entered this world. I will never forget that day. The fears, the unknowns, and oh the joy of seeing him. I would be lying if I said that the experience we had with Gavin hasn't placed some unwanted fear in my heart. I have been waiting for this day since the beginning - 33 weeks, 6 days. We are here! By the grace of God, we made it!

What am I trying to get at? That through the fears, through the storms - I was calmed in the arms of my heavenly Father. I will admit there were times that I cried out in anger, and I know there were times when I cried out in sheer desperation. But when all is said and done, my Father is a good, good Father and He watches over me.

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