Wednesday, December 11, 2013

One year ago

I have done this once before - here is an un-edited version of my journal that I kept of the "Happenings" during my pregnancy with Gavin. One year ago today, should have left me completely defeated - but thankfully I can look back and see God's faithfulness. I am hoping our story can help someone out there in a similar situation.

33 Weeks – December 11, 2012 We had our 3D ultrasound today with the Perinatal clinic. I can’t describe how cute our little boy is! Just picture the cutest little thing you can, and that’s him! Chubby cheeks, pouty lips, and button nose. 
Gavin at 33 weeks
Along with getting to see our little babe, we got more hard news. He is still not swallowing, and my fluid is now up to 38cm. Explains the HUGENESS that is me! 

When meeting with the Dr., she was having a hard time telling us the news. She said we would not be able to deliver at Maple Grove. I asked if Robbinsdale (not my first choice) would be the hospital, to which she replied “NO, the University of Minnesota Medical Center”. I almost quit breathing…that is a level 4 NICU. That makes things REAL. Scary real. If I am honest, I think I quit listening after that. Thank God for a husband who is able to stay level-headed under stress! She said that they would have a team of 3 Drs., a surgeon, and a bunch of nurses all assigned to us. I do remember her saying that once he is born, that they would want a sample of blood from his umbilical cord to test for Chromosomal abnormalities. MY baby, MINE is going to go through this? How can this be?

We were sent so set up a bunch of ultrasound appointments for the remaining weeks of pregnancy. They need to monitor my fluids as well as keep tabs on small fry. I was Sitting, waiting, wanting to get out in the fresh air so I could breathe again. I lost it. Looking at Jason with fear and hurt in his eyes was enough to send me over the edge. I can’t explain how angry I felt. Not sad, ANGRY. I wanted to throw something, I wanted to scream. How much more can we take? Why is this our future?

Back at home I sat on the couch, sobbing and questioning why God would allow this to happen to us, I was reminded that HE is already there! He is in our future, He has been there for us in the past. HE will not leave us. HE holds the child in my womb tightly in his hands!

My parents happened to be in town for meetings, so they were able to come over and sit with us. We got to show them the picture of their little grandson. They were so strong, upbeat and positive. Even when I could not hold it together, they did. Later that night my 3 wonderful co-workers (Naomi, Emily, and Anna) brought me a care package and hugs. Cambria stopped by with goodies too. What a blessed woman am I?!
The next days were hard, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. When I look at my baby’s face, I know that all of this is for him. For his life, I will do anything I can for him. He is part of me and part of Jason. He’s our little miracle!

I just need to say what a great husband I have! Last night (12/13/12), he made me spaghetti, sat me down in our bedroom to help me put away all of my clothes. Next he worked on packing a hospital bag. When we were done with that he got me cookies, sat me down on the couch and we watched TV for a bit. He made me got to bed at 9:30, and forced me to stay in bed. I usually get up in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I have to admit, I slept so much better! He is such a wonderful husband. I could not make it through any of this without him by my side. He is my Hero and I love him more than words can say!

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since these events unfolded. Even Jason remembered the date of the perinatal visit. Yesterday he commented on how far we have come since that day. The story of our life could only have been written by the Author and Perfecter of our faith. I wouldn't have been able to do it the way it happened, and strangely I am very thankful for all we went through. Even the EXTREMELY hard days. I would do them all again, because without them my life wouldn't be MINE - and I want THIS life, crazy though it may be.

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