Recap

As this year draws to a close, I can't help but think of the year we have had.
Some ups, and some downs. If you ask Facebook, my "Year in Review" consisted of pneumonias, hospital friend meet-ups, and a surgery. I know that it is based on most views, likes, and comments - and I am very thankful for all of the support from each of you.

However important those things were in shaping us, that is not what I want to remember.

I want to remember:

Mornings with my young chap

Dance Marathon to raise funds for
University of MN Children's Hospital

Weekends with a view

Date nights with my One & Only

Celebrating the first signs of spring.

A trip to the Ballet with our dear friends.
(Thank you again HopeKids)

Trips to North Dakota

Fun outside in the spring

Endless smiles from this guy.

Learning all the big-boy stuff

Potty training attempts

Family time

This face!

Kisses and dates with our Erin

His expressions - my stars, they are endless!

First trip to the state fair for Gavin & I

Kisses for great-grandma

Our sweet little Drake baby - Gavin is in LOVE with his little cousin!

Second birthday for our little cowboy

An amazing Christmas...

and my family who were a part of my favorite Christmas to date!

Home

Oh home, let me go home! Home is wherever I'm with you.
-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

I will be the first to admit that I surprise myself... a lot. Most recently (or over the past 5 years of being married at least), I have fallen in love with Lord of the Rings, and now The Hobbit. Never in a million years would I have thought I would love such a "nerdy" movie, but last night after watching the final Hobbit - I was hit with a word HOME.

You see, at the end of the day - when the dust settles and the sun sets, all I want is home. I want to be home with my two men. I want to have the comforts of my home. The warmth that it brings to my heart could fuel a thousand fires.

Home is a safe place. It is no surprise that your goal in baseball is to get to "home base". Soon we will be setting out to my parent's home in North Dakota. We will be spending this Christmas season with a house full of love! Doesn't get much better than that does it?

Home - isn't it so much more than a place? It is not the building I love so much, it is the people who fill it with life that I am captivated by.

I pray this Christmas that you find peace, and that your home - wherever it may be - is filled with love.

{Editor's note - forgot to hit "publish"...}

Two years' time

Hard to believe that two years ago, we were being transported from MG hospital to the U of MN hospital to prepare for Gavin's arrival. We didn't expect that he would be born that day, but God had other plans.

First time holding my guy.

Gavin Lee was born at 4:38pm at a different location than planned.
He was 4lbs 8 oz with the strength of any full-sized super hero.
Our little man was 18 1/2 inches long, with the sweetest fingers and toes
His body had many complications, as you all know. If you don't - just go back in time and read some of my previous blogs.
His little life, however "complex" it was (is), has changed who I am in a mighty way.

Gavin, my boy, you are the sweetest, most lovable, caring little guy I have ever had the privilege of knowing! And you are ours! How did God know we needed you?

I need your smile in a big way most days.

I crave your hugs when I am away.

Your little voice warms my soul, in a place I never knew was in need of warmth.

The way you notice so many things in your life, brings new perspective into mine.

The way you sleep just like me, all curled up in a ball.

Oh how you love to he "kickled", on your hands, feet, and head. And when the tickling stops, and you are drifting off to sleep, you whisper "more...kickle".

This next year is sure to be an adventure. 

As your mama, I tend to look back on where we have come from, more and more. My promise to you is to let this next year not be focused as much on your past, but to focus on the present moments - and live each day without any regrets.

Your life had made a huge impact on mine, and I can't wait to see how the Lord will use you. I am just privilaged to get a inside look at your life.

Happy two years little man!

Ride the waves

...of emotions that is.

This past week and a half has been harder than I would care to admit. When I don't write, it is because I simply don't know what to say, or maybe because I don't know how to say it all. Having a kid go through any illness is hard, having them go through a surgery is (to me) on a whole different level. They both require faith, but seeing the intense pain on Gavin's face brought me to tears. I may sound a bit calloused when I say that the medical procedures usually don't evoke tears, but that is because I go through the motions to help Gavin get through it. But I broke, like something so deep in my heart simply wept.

I didn't expect it when we first discussed the surgery. I was almost excited to have it behind us (and I am), but as the days approached I could feel my fears closing in on me. Fear of something going wrong, fear of the absolute worst, fear of another hospital stay, fear of losing it myself. Jason thinks it was this bad before his other procedures, and maybe it was, but I just don't remember it being that way.

So all that being said, we are on the other side and I am thrilled! Through all of the fears, we saw God's mighty hands working. The time during surgery seemed to go faster than I was thinking it would, and we were surrounded by our wonderful family. Gavin looked so much better post-surgery than I was expecting and I was able to hold him only a couple hours after surgery.

Things I don't want to forget about our experience:

• Gavin's sweet spirit - even in pain. He made sure to tell the nurses/doctors/lab workers "thank-you" even after sticking him, poking at him, and doing vitals. While he may now be significantly more wary of medical professionals, he never lost his politeness.
• Cuddle was the word of the week (still is). When pain would hit, he would want to cuddle. He will be two in December, so we are coming to the end of the "cuddle phase", so I cuddled with every fiber of my being.
• Morphine strangely made Gavin a little genius. If you ask Gavin what color something is, he will answer "orange". He may not have even looked at the object in question - but it is "orange" to him. Well on morphine (and many other drugs) he knew blue, green, red, and yellow. He also normally can "count", but skips a few numbers. Well on morphine he counted 1-10 without skipping a beat! Lets not tell him about this when he gets older.
• Gavin made a few new friends - most notably, the "x-ray transport guy" named Dave. Gavin instantly said "papa". Well this man hardly looked like papa - aside from grey hair. He had tattoos up each arm and not a very talkative man. The ride down was made in silence. The ride back was full of chatting - he asked how long Gavin has been there and if he had been a patient before (yes...a number of times). He said he would never forget Gavin, and that we should be proud of the boy we have. That we are!
• The generosity of others. 
• We started attending a new church this past May, so we have a limited 'circle' of friends so far. That circle grew as a call was put out by our sweet pastor's wife, simply asking if anyone wanted to help during this time. The night before surgery (when I was at my lowest), they arrived carrying a basket overflowing with LOVE in the form of food, magazines, toys for Gavin, gift cards and financial support. I am still overwhelmed by it all. In less than a week people who didn't even know us (or our circumstances) blessed us for a lifetime. I couldn't help but think of the body of Christ described in 1 Corinthians 12. They loved us as a part of the body, in a beautiful way.
• Friends and church family who brought meals, both to the hospital and to our home. 
• The sweet gifts for Gavin - so many new things to play with here at home. He is so blessed!
• Generosity of prayers and support. We have felt so loved through this whole experience. When we didn't know what to pray, others were praying on our behalf. When we felt overwhelmed, we were carried by words of encouragement. While we waited on the Lord to heal, we were able to see the body of Christ coming together around one sweet boy - Gavin Lee. The son that God has entrusted to us for a time. 

First night home

It snowed (a ton) so we had to make due with an indoor snowman

Lots of high chair playtime

My mind may want to forget so many things about this experience, but I know that it is shaping our journey. His body tells a story. Like a map of God's faithfulness - laid out in scars. The most recent is quite large, but it most largely shows God's healing power. We are praying this is the final surgery, but we know whatever comes in this life that God holds us.

Emo

I'm nothing but a ball of crazy mama emotions today. We are at 6 days until surgery. My heart is full of so much love for this little boy, and that makes this all the more difficult.

He's my bubble-lovin' boy.

My expressive little wonder.

My peaceful sleeper.

My teeny-tiny miracle boy.

My tough medical man.

My trooper - 5 bouts with pneumonia isn't easy folks!

My innovative lad - everything can be made into a phone.

My sweet little scrub wearer.

My goofy goober.

The peanut-butter in our family sandwich.

My brilliant chap.

My adventurous laundry maker.

The very heartbeat in my soul.

My handsome hunk.

My "smile even after surgery" boy.

My life-changing miracle.

My son.

Thank you to all who continue to pray for his surgery on November 4th! Keep the prayers coming!