Friday, September 13, 2013

One year ago.

As I looked at the date on 9/11 - I first thought of the tragic attack on our country. I thought about the families that were impacted - loosing loved ones. I then remembered that one year ago, we were sitting in an ultrasound room - ready to see our sweet baby on the big screen in front of us. A day filled with joy and anticipation had come and with it, we got the first string of "but-um" news about our little Gavin.

Here is an exerpt from my Journal:

September 11, 2012 The day every parent waits for is here! We get to see the little baby on the ultrasound screen. The night before I didn’t sleep a wink! I was nervous that something would be wrong with baby D. I was excited to find out if it would be our daughter or our son. I was sad because this whole experience was already half over. I was thrilled that we are close to meeting our little baby face to face!
Our sweet boy!

 That morning we met my parents at the clinic. We were so blessed to have them with us in the room. After a few minutes she asked if we wanted to know the sex - um YES! She showed us on the big screen that we were expecting a BOY!!! My parents were there to see their grandson for the first time! The heartbeat of the little guy is so strong, and the technology of the ultrasounds is amazing! It was also so crazy to SEE him moving. I have been feeling him since week 16, and now I got to see him in action!

We met with the Dr. after the ultra sound and she told us the good news that our baby boy was VERY healthy. Absolutely perfect! She was a little concerned that the placenta was only 1 cm away from my cervix, but she said she had great hope that it would eventually move away as baby grew.
Bent in half - that is the top of his head and the bottom of his feet.
Yes - he is still that flexible!
That afternoon as I was leaving work, I got a call from the Dr. apologizing because she had read the ultrasound wrong. The placenta was in fact covering the cervix by 1 cm. This condition is called Placenta Previa, and it puts us at a high risk from here on out. My heart absolutely sank. I tried to hold it together to call Jason on the way home. We also knew that his parents were coming over to see the pictures and to find out the gender of our little one.

I managed to pull it together, but I sadly felt like a robot the whole night. Not wanting to give away how deeply sad I was. How scared of the unknown I was. How badly I wanted to go back in time and have a different result to the ultrasound.
Perfect feet - 10 toes!

That night was the darkest, loneliest night I have ever experienced. There was nothing Jason could say to comfort me. I blamed myself. I didn’t want to look at the picture of our beautiful son, for fear of losing him in the end. I hated that. I slept maybe 2 hours, finally getting up to research my condition. I was given a little bit of hope by some of the stories, but still had insurmountable fear.

Through the night I had many conversations with God. Pleading for Him to move the placenta. Begging for peace. Praying for Him to hold our baby boy tightly in His hands. Waiting for morning.

September 12, 2012 - The morning came, but with it, sadness still lingered. I tried to push it aside, put on a happy face. With every kick, I prayed that he wouldn’t disconnect from the placenta. It was one kick though, that I could feel him saying “Mom, stop worrying! I am happy, healthy, safe and sound.” I went to work, attempting to be brave, but by 11:30 the braveness wore off and I went home sobbing. Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong early on in the pregnancy? Would I hemorrhage today, tomorrow, or further down the road? Would our boy be born too soon? Would I make it to the hospital in time? My dear, sweet husband came home to console me. He even made an appointment to sit down with a Dr. to talk about our situation, since we just got a phone call telling us the news.

I called my oldest sister to tell her what was going on and hoping for some advice since she had 3 C-sections. She reassured me that C-sections really weren’t that bad, and I would be fine. She has such an up-beat personality and by the time I got off the phone with her I was much calmer! Off to the Dr. we went.

The Dr. wasn’t able to provide much assurance, but it was good to know what we could possibly be facing. Her unconcerned demeanor allowed me to relax a little bit. She said it would be either serious, or a breeze, I will either bleed or I won’t. I will deliver early or I will go to 37 weeks. With that, we headed back home and tried to relax.

My dad sent out a sweet email, asking for prayer for his little grandson and that evening I got a phone call from my sweet youth leader from back home. She too had experienced Placenta Previa. She had so much great advice, and her placenta actually ended up moving! To say that the timing of her call was perfect is an understatement! She will never know how much that call meant to me and Jason. I had peace in my heart and sense of calm before I went to bed, and slept great! 

I woke with a surreal peace in my heart that can only come from God. He took away my fears, and replaced them again with Joy.
Wow - what a difference a year makes! We now have the most amazing, happy, healthy, smilely, huggable, kissable boy in the world! God is good - He saw that we needed to experience trials and heartache in order to fully understand His power. 

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