Things a Pumpkin Spice Latte can't fix.

The past couple of days I have been off.

Ok, more than a little off...my patience runs thin (tissue paper thin). I find the smallest things annoy me, and the big things make me cry. I reach for my cash to pay for the Pumpkin Spice Latte, yet this empty ache throbs inside. I would love to blame this little girl growing inside, but friends - it goes deeper.

This heart of mine has been wandering through forests full of self. I tend to look inward, seeing only what I want. All the while there is a little boy who only wants to build a tent with his mama, and Facebook is calling my name. Again. A husband who takes the back seat some (most) days to said little boy. And sadly, my Savior who is finding Himself pushed back even further - the last place He belongs.

You see, not even a Latte (pumpkin or not) can fix this. I feel myself drawn back to my Lord, and to His feet I cling. I need Him every hour. I can only tread these waters of worry, doubt, selfishness, and fear for so long. My lungs heave and my legs go numb, but this morning I felt Him pulling me out. Out of those waters that I waded into on my own. Foolish. I never lost my Faith, but at the same time I wasn't putting Christ first. He needs to lead me. Lead our family. Lead my entire life.

How many times does one learn this lesson before it sticks? I feel like a child who can't seem to keep their hands to themselves, grabbing away others joy, and not reflecting the One who we were made to praise.

Lord, may this lesson stick for me. If not for all my days, then for longer than the last.

Praising HIM today that only He has the Power to redeem this sinner.
"Rejoice, oh child of God. Lift your eyes to see, with every morning light, again we are REDEEMED!"

Second time around

Many have asked if this blog has ended. The short answer is NO!

Funnily, I have started many entries, and they just don't come together like I want. So whether this one comes together, or not---it is getting posted! (my apologies in advance)



Some of you know that we are expecting our second baby the end of this year! What an exciting time this has been, and also full of more emotions than I could have expected. I have had plenty of pregnancy symptoms - which came as a surprise because Gavin's pregnancy was fairly calm in the first 20 weeks. It was after those first 20 weeks that it all started to fall to pieces. The numbness in my heart turned to fear, and out of that fear I found my faith more deeply than ever.

Thankfully God didn't leave me in that fear. As we approach 20 weeks I can't help but look back at the life that God gave us. Not just Gavin's - but Jason & my life together. We have grown, learned, clung to hope, and drawn closer together as a family. We have leaned so hard on our faith that it seemed the well would run dry. Praise the Lord, our story is not done, the little one kicking me from the inside is proof of that.

This week we were on vacation with Jason's family and it was such a wonderful time away. Before others would wake, I found myself on the front porch facing the rising sun and lake shore. Bible in hand, I dug into the Word. Deeply yearning to find my Savior in those moments. He didn't disappoint, I found him there, I found him in the calm of the morning. I found him in the rocking boat. I found him in the laughter of cousins playing while sandcastles were built. He was, and always is there - if only I was constantly on the look-out for Him.

The morning of August 24th is the awaited ultrasound, and with little hesitation I say that "It is well, with my soul". It isn't that I fear any issues that arise - for God has proven Himself more than faithful. My first pregnancy I found myself awake at 3:00 am, Googling answers to the unknown. This time around, I can truly say "It is well".

One earnest concern I had when we started considering adding another life to our family, was Gavin. I feared that people would question why we would even "risk" having another. And while there have been a few of those questions presented to us, it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. My mama heart fears that Gavin will think he was a burden that we had to carry. Oh my son - you are the joy in my heart - the big reason I can say that "it is well", is because God showed himself faithful in YOU. Not just the medical road you have bravely traveled, but the way your heart is so in-tune with others. Your concern for others at such a young age boggles my mind, and warms my heart. While the road has not always been easy, I would travel it again, and again, and again to be with you.

I will leave you with a song that has become my heart cry:
"So let go, my soul - and Trust in HIM the waves and wind still know His name. IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL".

My Prayer for Tonight

Some days are full of the Lord's whispers. They are my lifeline. He whispered today.

As I meet more and more people on this earth, I am made more aware of the unknowns. The unexpected diagnosis - the kind that knocks you out cold, and when you are stirred wake all you can do is pray that it was a dream.

The friends that drift out of our lives when our own lives get hard. The ones that were supposed to be there in the hard stuff - not leave.

Cancer. Growing up it was a foreign word, yet as I spend more time here I find it is such an ugly word. 3 years, 33 years, or 77 years - it doesn't care what age or stage you are in life. It comes - tearing down many in it's path.

Recently I have become a part of a group of mamas. Mamas of 2-year-old boys who look completely normal on the outside, yet inside a storm is raging. Mamas who could rattle off more medical terminology than you can learn in your 4-year degree. My heart is connected with theirs.

For all my friends, family, and acquaintances going through a storm, here is my prayer---

That today there will be a sunbeam in your heart. That hope will rise once again.
Oh Lord, be with them and hold them in your MIGHTY hands. For the tears that fall, and for the ones trying to hold it all together - please protect them.

My prayer is that I can be the visible invisible. If you know our story, you know that we have had storms of our own. But while there is calm, I pray that I can be the visible invisible to the wave riders - the ones in the eye of the storm.

More than Rubies has a beautiful song "Visible Invisible" and a portion of their lyrics state
 

"We are, we are the visible invisible. We are the flesh and bone of Your redeeming love. We are, we are your Kingdom unshakable. Jesus Christ alive in us. The visible invisible.
And the Love of God will rise, rise in us - rise in us. And the light of God will shine. Shine through us."

Lord - may it be so today. 

My Sunshine

So I had to share this sweet little video he made for his cousin, Drake. He sings these songs quite frequently around the house. However, when I try to record him he stops singing. He will do anything for Drake - so he sang his heart out for him.

You are my Sunshine was thee song that I sang on repeat when I would rock him in the hospital. When my brain was worn, and no other songs would come to mind - I could count on it. One night I remember that song turning into my prayer. His oxygen sats were low, and his body temperature dipped to 96 degrees. His heart rate kept dropping, and in an attempt to warm him up I held him skin-to-skin. While I held him I kept that song on repeat - and prayed "please don't take my sunshine away...please don't take my sunshine away...please, Lord, don't take my sunshine away".

I am so thankful that my little man can now serenade me with this song. He will forever be my little ray of sunshine.

Bitter Sweet

This weekend we get the privilege of speaking at the University of Minnesota Children's Hospital Dance Marathon. It is an amazing event, where the students at the U raise money for the hospital. Last year we went, and had a blast! A huge bonus was meeting a dear friend and her son. More on them in a later post.

I can't get over how much I have grown, and learned since Gavin came into our lives. I will surely never be the same. Lessons of love, heartache, joy, anxiety, faith, and gobs more. As I think of what to share this weekend, I spent some time reflecting on our little boy's life. It has been a crazy ride, and I am thankful for every moment - yes...even the hard stuff!

 All the "normal" moments in his first year. The milestones, the first words, and all our cuddle time. It helped my mama-heart grow and flourish.

 For moments that seemed so hard, and all we had to cling to was our Lord. Those moments taught me to trust, and have faith that Almighty God has us in His hands - always.

 Seeing life through different eyes. For most, fans and lights are a means to see in the dark. To us they are that, and so much more! I can't get over the joy that he still gets when he is near a fan. Lord, may he always keep his love for little things.

 Tests that tried our patience, and yet grew it at the same time. We are so grateful for our hospital - the University of MN - without it, I can't help but wonder where we would be.

 Nebs - oh the nebs. God must have known that I needed an abundance of cuddles. They are still my favorite time of day. We get our cuddles in the morning and at night - and a couple added times if he is sick.

 His heart radiates through his eyes. He has always been told what beautiful eyes he has, and no doubt the mile-long eyelashes help, but to me it is the sparkle in them. The fiery little soul that brings me and so many others joy.

 We have learned to find joy in times when it was hard to find. It isn't about having it all - the cars, clothes, and cash can only get you so far. At the end of the day, I'd rather have Jesus, my men, and my family than all the things this world can provide.

 I thank GOD that He saw me fit to be the mama of a boy. I always felt bad for moms of boys - the dirt, wrestling, and noise they bring. Oh how I needed that in my life! I never saw myself having a boy, and man am I glad I didn't get to write that part of my life! He is the answer to my mama-heart prayers.

As I look back I can't help but get a little emotional, wishing for a few of those moments back. As great as those days were, I am so thankful for each day the sun rises and I get to be a lone woman in my house of men.

Preparing for Battle

This morning. Picking up my sleeping 2 year old, seeing the baby fade from his face - turning into a handsome little boy. So many thoughts race through my mama mind. Where did time go? How did God see fit to bless us with this little guy? What kind of young man do we want to raise him to be?

The last one weighs heavy on my mind today.

You see, this world will teach him all he needs to know about evil. Lying, cheating, stealing - look to your local TV news story. Want to watch people's lives fall apart on "reality" TV - look no further than the Bachelor. Before you write me off as a prude, listen to what Chris Harrison said “This season has it all. We’ve got a virgin, who spends a night in the vanity suite (cheers), a wholesome young girl with an x-rate past (more cheers), and two widows hoping for a second chance at love.”

I'll be the first to admit I have watched many a season, and have enjoyed watching the drama unfold. I don't know if it is having a child of my own, or simply my eyes being opened. His statement just hit home hard. I understand that a lot of what is said is for ratings, but for me, my purity was something I took seriously. I will never regret waiting until our vows were said, and my promise was made to love ONE for my whole life. To see people cheering as other's lives fall apart was heartbreaking.

I have heard of more Christian women reading "50 Shades of Grey", thinking that it must be harmless since it is a book. To me it is no different than a Playboy magazine. I wouldn't want Jason reading something like that, and I won't either. Period.

When TV shows like The Affair and Transparent are praised with Golden Globes and standing ovations, I have to fight off the urge to throw the TV out the door, scoop up Gavin, and keep him home for the rest of his life. I know that is not the answer. But in a culture that mocks God, and praises the immoral - I have to wonder what can I do as a mama to teach Gavin how to be a godly man in an ungodly world.

For now we will let love reign in our home. Teach him how to pray. Sing Jesus Loves Me before bed (a favorite of Gavin's) it may be simple, but he loves it. Show him a loving marriage, where mama respects dad and dad shows his mama love.

And we may have to seriously consider whether or not to even hit the ON button on the TV.

The bottom line? I want so desperately to bring Honor to Christ. The whole idea of raising a godly son against some pretty hefty odds, brings to mind David and Goliath. There may be a giant before Jason and I, but let me tell you something - we are strapping on our battle gear, and are preparing to fight his war.

Bring on the battle.

If God is for us - who can stand against us?

2015 - One word

Brave.

Last year I decided against making New Year resolutions, and instead picked a word to focus on for the year. FearLESS was that word. While 2014 had moments of fear, the desire to put my faith in the Lord won.

As I think of the year ahead, my heart wants to be Brave.

I know it isn't a word many would use for a mom, wife, and administrative assistant. I am no warrior, and I am rarely in dangerous situations. However, I want to be Brave.

Brave when it comes to standing up for what I truly believe in - even if it isn't popular. Faith has become something that is looked down on, and I don't want to stay silent anymore. I believe in the one TRUE God. I believe that Jesus Christ rescued me from the darkest of days and brought me into the light. I believe in the Alpha & Omega, my Abba Father, the Savior of my Soul.

Brave for our family - in a culture where marriage is more of a hobby than a life-long journey. A culture that says it's okay to end it when the fairytale wears off. I want to show that marriage is a blessing - a blessing that each couple has to work for. I want to be a better example of a wife for Gavin - showing him the respect I have for his daddy.

Brave when it comes to life decisions for Gavin. Not just medically, but in all aspects of life. As he grows from a toddler to a little man, I want his daddy & I to be there to help him find his way.

Brave - a five letter word. A word I think I need this year. 

Here's to a brand new year.

Recap

As this year draws to a close, I can't help but think of the year we have had.
Some ups, and some downs. If you ask Facebook, my "Year in Review" consisted of pneumonias, hospital friend meet-ups, and a surgery. I know that it is based on most views, likes, and comments - and I am very thankful for all of the support from each of you.

However important those things were in shaping us, that is not what I want to remember.

I want to remember:

Mornings with my young chap

Dance Marathon to raise funds for
University of MN Children's Hospital

Weekends with a view

Date nights with my One & Only

Celebrating the first signs of spring.

A trip to the Ballet with our dear friends.
(Thank you again HopeKids)

Trips to North Dakota

Fun outside in the spring

Endless smiles from this guy.

Learning all the big-boy stuff

Potty training attempts

Family time

This face!

Kisses and dates with our Erin

His expressions - my stars, they are endless!

First trip to the state fair for Gavin & I

Kisses for great-grandma

Our sweet little Drake baby - Gavin is in LOVE with his little cousin!

Second birthday for our little cowboy

An amazing Christmas...

and my family who were a part of my favorite Christmas to date!

Ride the waves

...of emotions that is.

This past week and a half has been harder than I would care to admit. When I don't write, it is because I simply don't know what to say, or maybe because I don't know how to say it all. Having a kid go through any illness is hard, having them go through a surgery is (to me) on a whole different level. They both require faith, but seeing the intense pain on Gavin's face brought me to tears. I may sound a bit calloused when I say that the medical procedures usually don't evoke tears, but that is because I go through the motions to help Gavin get through it. But I broke, like something so deep in my heart simply wept.

I didn't expect it when we first discussed the surgery. I was almost excited to have it behind us (and I am), but as the days approached I could feel my fears closing in on me. Fear of something going wrong, fear of the absolute worst, fear of another hospital stay, fear of losing it myself. Jason thinks it was this bad before his other procedures, and maybe it was, but I just don't remember it being that way.

So all that being said, we are on the other side and I am thrilled! Through all of the fears, we saw God's mighty hands working. The time during surgery seemed to go faster than I was thinking it would, and we were surrounded by our wonderful family. Gavin looked so much better post-surgery than I was expecting and I was able to hold him only a couple hours after surgery.

Things I don't want to forget about our experience:

• Gavin's sweet spirit - even in pain. He made sure to tell the nurses/doctors/lab workers "thank-you" even after sticking him, poking at him, and doing vitals. While he may now be significantly more wary of medical professionals, he never lost his politeness.
• Cuddle was the word of the week (still is). When pain would hit, he would want to cuddle. He will be two in December, so we are coming to the end of the "cuddle phase", so I cuddled with every fiber of my being.
• Morphine strangely made Gavin a little genius. If you ask Gavin what color something is, he will answer "orange". He may not have even looked at the object in question - but it is "orange" to him. Well on morphine (and many other drugs) he knew blue, green, red, and yellow. He also normally can "count", but skips a few numbers. Well on morphine he counted 1-10 without skipping a beat! Lets not tell him about this when he gets older.
• Gavin made a few new friends - most notably, the "x-ray transport guy" named Dave. Gavin instantly said "papa". Well this man hardly looked like papa - aside from grey hair. He had tattoos up each arm and not a very talkative man. The ride down was made in silence. The ride back was full of chatting - he asked how long Gavin has been there and if he had been a patient before (yes...a number of times). He said he would never forget Gavin, and that we should be proud of the boy we have. That we are!
• The generosity of others. 
• We started attending a new church this past May, so we have a limited 'circle' of friends so far. That circle grew as a call was put out by our sweet pastor's wife, simply asking if anyone wanted to help during this time. The night before surgery (when I was at my lowest), they arrived carrying a basket overflowing with LOVE in the form of food, magazines, toys for Gavin, gift cards and financial support. I am still overwhelmed by it all. In less than a week people who didn't even know us (or our circumstances) blessed us for a lifetime. I couldn't help but think of the body of Christ described in 1 Corinthians 12. They loved us as a part of the body, in a beautiful way.
• Friends and church family who brought meals, both to the hospital and to our home. 
• The sweet gifts for Gavin - so many new things to play with here at home. He is so blessed!
• Generosity of prayers and support. We have felt so loved through this whole experience. When we didn't know what to pray, others were praying on our behalf. When we felt overwhelmed, we were carried by words of encouragement. While we waited on the Lord to heal, we were able to see the body of Christ coming together around one sweet boy - Gavin Lee. The son that God has entrusted to us for a time. 

First night home

It snowed (a ton) so we had to make due with an indoor snowman

Lots of high chair playtime

My mind may want to forget so many things about this experience, but I know that it is shaping our journey. His body tells a story. Like a map of God's faithfulness - laid out in scars. The most recent is quite large, but it most largely shows God's healing power. We are praying this is the final surgery, but we know whatever comes in this life that God holds us.

Well I never...

Before becoming a mom, I was full of all kinds of advice & tons of "my kid will never" statements. Well my friends, things have changed a bit. See for yourselves...

...my kid will NEVER eat mac'n'cheese from a box. Who does that mom think she is? Cook something nutritious for your kid! 
Truth is - Gavin eats mac'n'cheese from a box more times than I would like to admit. I'll be honest, at the end of a long day at work, we come home weary from the day & driving, and Gavin needs to eat right away - mac'n'cheese to the rescue! Plus it is one of the "safe foods" that he doesn't get stuck in his throat. Win-win!

...don't let your marriage fall through the cracks. 
Truth is - we are always working on it, but some days it takes a backseat to Gavin's needs. It isn't something we tried to do, it just happened. We are getting back on track, but scheduling time - making a set night your "date night" has been successful. Sometimes (ok...last night), I just wanted to veg out and watch TV. Thankfully I have a rock-solid husband who knows that those nights are important, so we sat down for date night. Guess what - I loved it!

...my kid will NEVER go out in public in mis-matched clothes.
Truth is - we have gone out in puked on/mis-matched/too-small clothes a few times. Now, I love dressing Gavin up so you won't see this all the time - but it does happen. So don't judge those kids. Mama is doing her best!

...don't let yourself go.
Truth is - while I haven't "let myself go", I have certainly let go of some previously important rituals. My nails are currently 1/2 chipped, my hands are cracking from hand washing, and most days my hair is "good enough".

...my kid will NEVER throw a fit in public.
Truth is - happens every time we try to leave the park. Nuff said.

...don't let the kid change you.
Truth is - Gavin has changed me in beautiful ways I could never have imagined. I am so grateful that the Lord saw me fit to be his mother. I didn't know that God could use your own kid to minister to your soul, but he has. Never did I think that I could love a little person so much. He and his daddy are my motivators. They are my world.

Bottom line - next time you are ready & set to judge a mama, remind yourself that she is doing her best. We don't know what is going on at home and we don't know how their day has unfolded.

So just show grace, and maybe even a smile.

Saw this sweet video today and I couldn't help but think of ALL mamas.

I blog...

Many times I sit down to express the inner workings of my heart, but nothing seems to be worthy of writing for anyone else to see.

Why do I blog anyway? is it for myself? for others? 

I blog

so that by sharing my heart. the aches. the joys. the everyday "normals". 

that maybe someone else out there needs to hear my heart, and then instantly know they aren't alone.

I blog

so that I can share the workings of the Lord in our lives.
I'm not much of a public speaker, but here - here I am able to be honest, open, and a tad bit vulnerable.

I blog

so I don't forget. 

Going into mommihood I knew I wouldn't be the type that kept tabs on when the first tooth came in, and second...and third. Bless you if you are!

I do remember the feeling when he first walked,
the feeling when he first said mama, and how my heart almost burst when he gave me that first kiss.
Funnily (or not), my calendar is filled with Dr. appointment dates, I know the date of his first, second, and third surgeries. I know the dates of his seizures,
and I can rattle off all the information necessary to get Gavin registered for a procedure.

I blog

because it is a creative outlet.

I can put my thoughts, dreams, fears, and hopes on here.
Mine - not anyone else's.

The List

I woke up this morning with my little guy on my mind. Mostly because he was in the other room - ready to be up for the morning. The other reason was a phone call from the Geneticist yesterday. Many of you know Gavin has an "extra variable" on his first chromosome. In order to know if it would be a future problem, Jason and I got tested. Turns out, I am the carrier of the "extra variable" too. In simple terms it means that we are both a little extra awesome. This variable has nothing to do with the "problem list" that Gavin has had to endure. It is just a part of our genetic make-up...lots of people have this extra variable, so maybe we aren't the only extra special ones out there.

That got me thinking of his problem list. Which got me thinking of the ways God has provided. Out of that, I felt the need to praise the Lord with you all. So here goes - his "problem list" and the huge ANSWERS that God has given us!

"Problem List:"
Premature baby. He is still on the small side (5%), but he is growing, and excelling intellectually.
Esphagus not attached to Stomach. Repaired on day of life two. Besides needing to cut his food up very small, he is doing well!!!
Ineffective Thermoregulation. He doesn't have this problem anymore! 
Congenital Anomaly of Spine. Will be repaired on November 4th! Prayers for this!!!
Scalp Cyst. (Spina Bifida). Removed the cyst with a successful surgery! Follow-up MRI March 2015 to see if the hole in Gavin's skull has closed - prayers for that too!
Heart Murmur. Ruled out any structural problems in July of this year. Should grow out of this.
Congenital Anomaly of Ear. Nothing needs to be done with it - just adds to his cuteness.
Port-wine Birthmark on left leg. Ruled out any vein anomalies. Besides being asked frequently if it is a rash, it is doing great!
Tethered Spinal Cord. Cord released May 2013. Doing great! There is still fluid on the spine, but we are praying that it will go away on its own! Follow-up MRI March 2015.
Urinary Tract Infection. Had one during NICU stay, no more since!
Seizures. He is off his seizure meds, and we are praying he stays seizure free!
Multiple bouts of Pneumonia. God was with him each time. It was never easy, but he was such a strong kid. Praying this winter is pneumonia FREE!
Acid Reflux Disease (GERD). Still has a very acidic stomach, but for the most part tolerates it well! When he was very tiny the reflux was so severe it caused heart rate drops. Now he will throw up sometimes, and have hiccups. Overall - doing well!

From this: December 16, 2012

To this: October 18, 2014

Praising the Lord today!