My Prayer for Tonight

Some days are full of the Lord's whispers. They are my lifeline. He whispered today.

As I meet more and more people on this earth, I am made more aware of the unknowns. The unexpected diagnosis - the kind that knocks you out cold, and when you are stirred wake all you can do is pray that it was a dream.

The friends that drift out of our lives when our own lives get hard. The ones that were supposed to be there in the hard stuff - not leave.

Cancer. Growing up it was a foreign word, yet as I spend more time here I find it is such an ugly word. 3 years, 33 years, or 77 years - it doesn't care what age or stage you are in life. It comes - tearing down many in it's path.

Recently I have become a part of a group of mamas. Mamas of 2-year-old boys who look completely normal on the outside, yet inside a storm is raging. Mamas who could rattle off more medical terminology than you can learn in your 4-year degree. My heart is connected with theirs.

For all my friends, family, and acquaintances going through a storm, here is my prayer---

That today there will be a sunbeam in your heart. That hope will rise once again.
Oh Lord, be with them and hold them in your MIGHTY hands. For the tears that fall, and for the ones trying to hold it all together - please protect them.

My prayer is that I can be the visible invisible. If you know our story, you know that we have had storms of our own. But while there is calm, I pray that I can be the visible invisible to the wave riders - the ones in the eye of the storm.

More than Rubies has a beautiful song "Visible Invisible" and a portion of their lyrics state
 

"We are, we are the visible invisible. We are the flesh and bone of Your redeeming love. We are, we are your Kingdom unshakable. Jesus Christ alive in us. The visible invisible.
And the Love of God will rise, rise in us - rise in us. And the light of God will shine. Shine through us."

Lord - may it be so today. 

My Sunshine

So I had to share this sweet little video he made for his cousin, Drake. He sings these songs quite frequently around the house. However, when I try to record him he stops singing. He will do anything for Drake - so he sang his heart out for him.

You are my Sunshine was thee song that I sang on repeat when I would rock him in the hospital. When my brain was worn, and no other songs would come to mind - I could count on it. One night I remember that song turning into my prayer. His oxygen sats were low, and his body temperature dipped to 96 degrees. His heart rate kept dropping, and in an attempt to warm him up I held him skin-to-skin. While I held him I kept that song on repeat - and prayed "please don't take my sunshine away...please don't take my sunshine away...please, Lord, don't take my sunshine away".

I am so thankful that my little man can now serenade me with this song. He will forever be my little ray of sunshine.

Bitter Sweet

This weekend we get the privilege of speaking at the University of Minnesota Children's Hospital Dance Marathon. It is an amazing event, where the students at the U raise money for the hospital. Last year we went, and had a blast! A huge bonus was meeting a dear friend and her son. More on them in a later post.

I can't get over how much I have grown, and learned since Gavin came into our lives. I will surely never be the same. Lessons of love, heartache, joy, anxiety, faith, and gobs more. As I think of what to share this weekend, I spent some time reflecting on our little boy's life. It has been a crazy ride, and I am thankful for every moment - yes...even the hard stuff!

 All the "normal" moments in his first year. The milestones, the first words, and all our cuddle time. It helped my mama-heart grow and flourish.

 For moments that seemed so hard, and all we had to cling to was our Lord. Those moments taught me to trust, and have faith that Almighty God has us in His hands - always.

 Seeing life through different eyes. For most, fans and lights are a means to see in the dark. To us they are that, and so much more! I can't get over the joy that he still gets when he is near a fan. Lord, may he always keep his love for little things.

 Tests that tried our patience, and yet grew it at the same time. We are so grateful for our hospital - the University of MN - without it, I can't help but wonder where we would be.

 Nebs - oh the nebs. God must have known that I needed an abundance of cuddles. They are still my favorite time of day. We get our cuddles in the morning and at night - and a couple added times if he is sick.

 His heart radiates through his eyes. He has always been told what beautiful eyes he has, and no doubt the mile-long eyelashes help, but to me it is the sparkle in them. The fiery little soul that brings me and so many others joy.

 We have learned to find joy in times when it was hard to find. It isn't about having it all - the cars, clothes, and cash can only get you so far. At the end of the day, I'd rather have Jesus, my men, and my family than all the things this world can provide.

 I thank GOD that He saw me fit to be the mama of a boy. I always felt bad for moms of boys - the dirt, wrestling, and noise they bring. Oh how I needed that in my life! I never saw myself having a boy, and man am I glad I didn't get to write that part of my life! He is the answer to my mama-heart prayers.

As I look back I can't help but get a little emotional, wishing for a few of those moments back. As great as those days were, I am so thankful for each day the sun rises and I get to be a lone woman in my house of men.

Sweet words

There are so many things that I know I will unintentionally forget about Gavin's toddler years. There is simply too much to remember from day to day.

Where has the time gone?

That being said I don't want to forget:

that he calls his dinosaurs 'Di-no-nos'

the way he speeds through Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - only a very few could pick up the tune, and I am thankful that I am one.

when he is hungry he still says 'nuga-nuga' (translation: I'm starving). No clue where it came from. It was one of his first words, and it stuck.

how he started saying 'cuddle' after his surgery when he was in intense pain. Now it is his signal to me that he really just needs a hug from mama, and I never miss an opportunity to cuddle.

whenever someone toots, or even makes a sound like someone tooting - he ALWAYS says "Daddy toot (insert giggles)"....sometimes daddy isn't even in the house and he still gets blamed! Sorry honey.

how he says "Jason -- come -- HERE!" in a low gravely voice, while he points to the floor where he wants him to go.

he has "nuther puppy", "cuddle puppy" and "fluffy puppy". Cuddle puppy & nuther puppy are tied as his favorites. Fluffy puppy is the softest, most adorable puppy that was gifted to him by our small group before his spine surgery. All spend the night in his crib.

his crazy obsession with fans. Anything that can be made to go round-and-round, he will get to go round-and-round. When he leaves a room with a fan he has to yell "bye-bye fan!" at the top of his lungs. He has always been a fan-lover, and I thought by now he would have lost interest - think again mama!

Last but not least, before when he would pray he would mumble something that I couldn't understand. For the longest time have been trying to figure it out. Now I recognize that he says "Abba-dada". For some this may sound like jibberish, but for me I immediately recognized abba, meaning heavenly father - an intimate word for God, as father" and dada - well that is his daddy he is speaking to. Not his earthly father, his heavenly one. This may seem common-place, but we have never used the term in our home, not that we don't approve of it, but it just isn't a commonly used word. So for him to have said that on his own - blew me a way and brought me to tears. He LOVES to pray, and even when we talk about someone needing prayer he will stop what he is doing - put his little folded hands to his forehead and say their name. Thank you Lord for the work you are doing in my sweet boy's heart!

MRI 3/4/15

Many of you who have followed our story from the beginning remember Gavin's little "bump" he was born with. It was a form of Spina Bifida. In a nutshell the spinal fluid went through an opening in Gavin's skull. He had surgery to remove the bump, they placed a mesh barrier to allow the skull to grow closed. Last February we had an MRI to make sure the hole had closed, but it was still the same size.

This is what the bump looked like before surgery: 

Tomorrow we go in for another MRI of his head and spine. It will determine if he will need surgery to close the hole. They will take a bone composite and fill in the opening and that will fix it permanently.

I know a lot of you have been praying for us, and I ask that you specifically pray for him tomorrow. He will be intubated and sedated for the 3 hour MRI. He usually is great with sedation, and we are praying that tomorrow is no different. Pray for his patience - no food after midnight. Pray for the results. We have been praying that it closed. If that is not the case, we praying that we would be content and confident to face another surgery.

They will also be examining his spinal cord. He had the tethered cord released at the same time that they repaired his bump. The last MRI showed fluid in the spinal column. It should have disappeared after the surgery, but that was not the case. It is possible that the scoliosis was contributing to the problem, and since the spine fusion surgery corrected the scoliosis, we are praying it also corrected the fluid. The last conversation we had with neurosurgeon, he indicated that most people don't need surgery to correct this, but it does need to be monitored.

I apologize for the long list - but we are grateful for all of our prayer warriors!

Preparing for Battle

This morning. Picking up my sleeping 2 year old, seeing the baby fade from his face - turning into a handsome little boy. So many thoughts race through my mama mind. Where did time go? How did God see fit to bless us with this little guy? What kind of young man do we want to raise him to be?

The last one weighs heavy on my mind today.

You see, this world will teach him all he needs to know about evil. Lying, cheating, stealing - look to your local TV news story. Want to watch people's lives fall apart on "reality" TV - look no further than the Bachelor. Before you write me off as a prude, listen to what Chris Harrison said “This season has it all. We’ve got a virgin, who spends a night in the vanity suite (cheers), a wholesome young girl with an x-rate past (more cheers), and two widows hoping for a second chance at love.”

I'll be the first to admit I have watched many a season, and have enjoyed watching the drama unfold. I don't know if it is having a child of my own, or simply my eyes being opened. His statement just hit home hard. I understand that a lot of what is said is for ratings, but for me, my purity was something I took seriously. I will never regret waiting until our vows were said, and my promise was made to love ONE for my whole life. To see people cheering as other's lives fall apart was heartbreaking.

I have heard of more Christian women reading "50 Shades of Grey", thinking that it must be harmless since it is a book. To me it is no different than a Playboy magazine. I wouldn't want Jason reading something like that, and I won't either. Period.

When TV shows like The Affair and Transparent are praised with Golden Globes and standing ovations, I have to fight off the urge to throw the TV out the door, scoop up Gavin, and keep him home for the rest of his life. I know that is not the answer. But in a culture that mocks God, and praises the immoral - I have to wonder what can I do as a mama to teach Gavin how to be a godly man in an ungodly world.

For now we will let love reign in our home. Teach him how to pray. Sing Jesus Loves Me before bed (a favorite of Gavin's) it may be simple, but he loves it. Show him a loving marriage, where mama respects dad and dad shows his mama love.

And we may have to seriously consider whether or not to even hit the ON button on the TV.

The bottom line? I want so desperately to bring Honor to Christ. The whole idea of raising a godly son against some pretty hefty odds, brings to mind David and Goliath. There may be a giant before Jason and I, but let me tell you something - we are strapping on our battle gear, and are preparing to fight his war.

Bring on the battle.

If God is for us - who can stand against us?

Work in progress

Over the past few years, I have learned many things.

-The Huskers aren't what the once were, and the Gophers are looking better and better every year. Humility is being taught in this Nebraska girl's heart.

-Being a mama has, at times, been gut-wrenching hard and on the other hand the most rewarding moments have come out of it.

-Minnesota isn't all that bad. Yes it is freeeezing most days, but I am starting to grow roots here. It has taken a while to quiet the urge to move every 1-2 years. I feel our home becoming the place that Gavin will bring his buddies to, and where Jason and I can pour our creativity and sweat into.

-Worrying, despite all of my attempts to cling to it - is not a solid foundation. Not a real shocker, but it is something that has taken years to finally start grasping. I'm not there yet, but I do know that letting God take over is where I'll stay.

-One of the biggest lessons would have to be - hold the things of this world loosely in my hands. Had God not put us on the journey we have been traveling recently, I would have never noticed that. It is amazing what we learn through living life, isn't it?

Life can be exhausting!

I am sure the next few years will bring more life lessons. Ones that shape, mold, chisel, and make me who I am intended to be. I have made mistakes, but I don't have regrets. Hardships have shaped me, and I am grateful for that.