Things a Pumpkin Spice Latte can't fix.

The past couple of days I have been off.

Ok, more than a little off...my patience runs thin (tissue paper thin). I find the smallest things annoy me, and the big things make me cry. I reach for my cash to pay for the Pumpkin Spice Latte, yet this empty ache throbs inside. I would love to blame this little girl growing inside, but friends - it goes deeper.

This heart of mine has been wandering through forests full of self. I tend to look inward, seeing only what I want. All the while there is a little boy who only wants to build a tent with his mama, and Facebook is calling my name. Again. A husband who takes the back seat some (most) days to said little boy. And sadly, my Savior who is finding Himself pushed back even further - the last place He belongs.

You see, not even a Latte (pumpkin or not) can fix this. I feel myself drawn back to my Lord, and to His feet I cling. I need Him every hour. I can only tread these waters of worry, doubt, selfishness, and fear for so long. My lungs heave and my legs go numb, but this morning I felt Him pulling me out. Out of those waters that I waded into on my own. Foolish. I never lost my Faith, but at the same time I wasn't putting Christ first. He needs to lead me. Lead our family. Lead my entire life.

How many times does one learn this lesson before it sticks? I feel like a child who can't seem to keep their hands to themselves, grabbing away others joy, and not reflecting the One who we were made to praise.

Lord, may this lesson stick for me. If not for all my days, then for longer than the last.

Praising HIM today that only He has the Power to redeem this sinner.
"Rejoice, oh child of God. Lift your eyes to see, with every morning light, again we are REDEEMED!"

Second time around

Many have asked if this blog has ended. The short answer is NO!

Funnily, I have started many entries, and they just don't come together like I want. So whether this one comes together, or not---it is getting posted! (my apologies in advance)



Some of you know that we are expecting our second baby the end of this year! What an exciting time this has been, and also full of more emotions than I could have expected. I have had plenty of pregnancy symptoms - which came as a surprise because Gavin's pregnancy was fairly calm in the first 20 weeks. It was after those first 20 weeks that it all started to fall to pieces. The numbness in my heart turned to fear, and out of that fear I found my faith more deeply than ever.

Thankfully God didn't leave me in that fear. As we approach 20 weeks I can't help but look back at the life that God gave us. Not just Gavin's - but Jason & my life together. We have grown, learned, clung to hope, and drawn closer together as a family. We have leaned so hard on our faith that it seemed the well would run dry. Praise the Lord, our story is not done, the little one kicking me from the inside is proof of that.

This week we were on vacation with Jason's family and it was such a wonderful time away. Before others would wake, I found myself on the front porch facing the rising sun and lake shore. Bible in hand, I dug into the Word. Deeply yearning to find my Savior in those moments. He didn't disappoint, I found him there, I found him in the calm of the morning. I found him in the rocking boat. I found him in the laughter of cousins playing while sandcastles were built. He was, and always is there - if only I was constantly on the look-out for Him.

The morning of August 24th is the awaited ultrasound, and with little hesitation I say that "It is well, with my soul". It isn't that I fear any issues that arise - for God has proven Himself more than faithful. My first pregnancy I found myself awake at 3:00 am, Googling answers to the unknown. This time around, I can truly say "It is well".

One earnest concern I had when we started considering adding another life to our family, was Gavin. I feared that people would question why we would even "risk" having another. And while there have been a few of those questions presented to us, it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated. My mama heart fears that Gavin will think he was a burden that we had to carry. Oh my son - you are the joy in my heart - the big reason I can say that "it is well", is because God showed himself faithful in YOU. Not just the medical road you have bravely traveled, but the way your heart is so in-tune with others. Your concern for others at such a young age boggles my mind, and warms my heart. While the road has not always been easy, I would travel it again, and again, and again to be with you.

I will leave you with a song that has become my heart cry:
"So let go, my soul - and Trust in HIM the waves and wind still know His name. IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL".

My Prayer for Tonight

Some days are full of the Lord's whispers. They are my lifeline. He whispered today.

As I meet more and more people on this earth, I am made more aware of the unknowns. The unexpected diagnosis - the kind that knocks you out cold, and when you are stirred wake all you can do is pray that it was a dream.

The friends that drift out of our lives when our own lives get hard. The ones that were supposed to be there in the hard stuff - not leave.

Cancer. Growing up it was a foreign word, yet as I spend more time here I find it is such an ugly word. 3 years, 33 years, or 77 years - it doesn't care what age or stage you are in life. It comes - tearing down many in it's path.

Recently I have become a part of a group of mamas. Mamas of 2-year-old boys who look completely normal on the outside, yet inside a storm is raging. Mamas who could rattle off more medical terminology than you can learn in your 4-year degree. My heart is connected with theirs.

For all my friends, family, and acquaintances going through a storm, here is my prayer---

That today there will be a sunbeam in your heart. That hope will rise once again.
Oh Lord, be with them and hold them in your MIGHTY hands. For the tears that fall, and for the ones trying to hold it all together - please protect them.

My prayer is that I can be the visible invisible. If you know our story, you know that we have had storms of our own. But while there is calm, I pray that I can be the visible invisible to the wave riders - the ones in the eye of the storm.

More than Rubies has a beautiful song "Visible Invisible" and a portion of their lyrics state
 

"We are, we are the visible invisible. We are the flesh and bone of Your redeeming love. We are, we are your Kingdom unshakable. Jesus Christ alive in us. The visible invisible.
And the Love of God will rise, rise in us - rise in us. And the light of God will shine. Shine through us."

Lord - may it be so today. 

My Sunshine

So I had to share this sweet little video he made for his cousin, Drake. He sings these songs quite frequently around the house. However, when I try to record him he stops singing. He will do anything for Drake - so he sang his heart out for him.

You are my Sunshine was thee song that I sang on repeat when I would rock him in the hospital. When my brain was worn, and no other songs would come to mind - I could count on it. One night I remember that song turning into my prayer. His oxygen sats were low, and his body temperature dipped to 96 degrees. His heart rate kept dropping, and in an attempt to warm him up I held him skin-to-skin. While I held him I kept that song on repeat - and prayed "please don't take my sunshine away...please don't take my sunshine away...please, Lord, don't take my sunshine away".

I am so thankful that my little man can now serenade me with this song. He will forever be my little ray of sunshine.

Bitter Sweet

This weekend we get the privilege of speaking at the University of Minnesota Children's Hospital Dance Marathon. It is an amazing event, where the students at the U raise money for the hospital. Last year we went, and had a blast! A huge bonus was meeting a dear friend and her son. More on them in a later post.

I can't get over how much I have grown, and learned since Gavin came into our lives. I will surely never be the same. Lessons of love, heartache, joy, anxiety, faith, and gobs more. As I think of what to share this weekend, I spent some time reflecting on our little boy's life. It has been a crazy ride, and I am thankful for every moment - yes...even the hard stuff!

 All the "normal" moments in his first year. The milestones, the first words, and all our cuddle time. It helped my mama-heart grow and flourish.

 For moments that seemed so hard, and all we had to cling to was our Lord. Those moments taught me to trust, and have faith that Almighty God has us in His hands - always.

 Seeing life through different eyes. For most, fans and lights are a means to see in the dark. To us they are that, and so much more! I can't get over the joy that he still gets when he is near a fan. Lord, may he always keep his love for little things.

 Tests that tried our patience, and yet grew it at the same time. We are so grateful for our hospital - the University of MN - without it, I can't help but wonder where we would be.

 Nebs - oh the nebs. God must have known that I needed an abundance of cuddles. They are still my favorite time of day. We get our cuddles in the morning and at night - and a couple added times if he is sick.

 His heart radiates through his eyes. He has always been told what beautiful eyes he has, and no doubt the mile-long eyelashes help, but to me it is the sparkle in them. The fiery little soul that brings me and so many others joy.

 We have learned to find joy in times when it was hard to find. It isn't about having it all - the cars, clothes, and cash can only get you so far. At the end of the day, I'd rather have Jesus, my men, and my family than all the things this world can provide.

 I thank GOD that He saw me fit to be the mama of a boy. I always felt bad for moms of boys - the dirt, wrestling, and noise they bring. Oh how I needed that in my life! I never saw myself having a boy, and man am I glad I didn't get to write that part of my life! He is the answer to my mama-heart prayers.

As I look back I can't help but get a little emotional, wishing for a few of those moments back. As great as those days were, I am so thankful for each day the sun rises and I get to be a lone woman in my house of men.

Sweet words

There are so many things that I know I will unintentionally forget about Gavin's toddler years. There is simply too much to remember from day to day.

Where has the time gone?

That being said I don't want to forget:

that he calls his dinosaurs 'Di-no-nos'

the way he speeds through Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - only a very few could pick up the tune, and I am thankful that I am one.

when he is hungry he still says 'nuga-nuga' (translation: I'm starving). No clue where it came from. It was one of his first words, and it stuck.

how he started saying 'cuddle' after his surgery when he was in intense pain. Now it is his signal to me that he really just needs a hug from mama, and I never miss an opportunity to cuddle.

whenever someone toots, or even makes a sound like someone tooting - he ALWAYS says "Daddy toot (insert giggles)"....sometimes daddy isn't even in the house and he still gets blamed! Sorry honey.

how he says "Jason -- come -- HERE!" in a low gravely voice, while he points to the floor where he wants him to go.

he has "nuther puppy", "cuddle puppy" and "fluffy puppy". Cuddle puppy & nuther puppy are tied as his favorites. Fluffy puppy is the softest, most adorable puppy that was gifted to him by our small group before his spine surgery. All spend the night in his crib.

his crazy obsession with fans. Anything that can be made to go round-and-round, he will get to go round-and-round. When he leaves a room with a fan he has to yell "bye-bye fan!" at the top of his lungs. He has always been a fan-lover, and I thought by now he would have lost interest - think again mama!

Last but not least, before when he would pray he would mumble something that I couldn't understand. For the longest time have been trying to figure it out. Now I recognize that he says "Abba-dada". For some this may sound like jibberish, but for me I immediately recognized abba, meaning heavenly father - an intimate word for God, as father" and dada - well that is his daddy he is speaking to. Not his earthly father, his heavenly one. This may seem common-place, but we have never used the term in our home, not that we don't approve of it, but it just isn't a commonly used word. So for him to have said that on his own - blew me a way and brought me to tears. He LOVES to pray, and even when we talk about someone needing prayer he will stop what he is doing - put his little folded hands to his forehead and say their name. Thank you Lord for the work you are doing in my sweet boy's heart!

MRI 3/4/15

Many of you who have followed our story from the beginning remember Gavin's little "bump" he was born with. It was a form of Spina Bifida. In a nutshell the spinal fluid went through an opening in Gavin's skull. He had surgery to remove the bump, they placed a mesh barrier to allow the skull to grow closed. Last February we had an MRI to make sure the hole had closed, but it was still the same size.

This is what the bump looked like before surgery: 

Tomorrow we go in for another MRI of his head and spine. It will determine if he will need surgery to close the hole. They will take a bone composite and fill in the opening and that will fix it permanently.

I know a lot of you have been praying for us, and I ask that you specifically pray for him tomorrow. He will be intubated and sedated for the 3 hour MRI. He usually is great with sedation, and we are praying that tomorrow is no different. Pray for his patience - no food after midnight. Pray for the results. We have been praying that it closed. If that is not the case, we praying that we would be content and confident to face another surgery.

They will also be examining his spinal cord. He had the tethered cord released at the same time that they repaired his bump. The last MRI showed fluid in the spinal column. It should have disappeared after the surgery, but that was not the case. It is possible that the scoliosis was contributing to the problem, and since the spine fusion surgery corrected the scoliosis, we are praying it also corrected the fluid. The last conversation we had with neurosurgeon, he indicated that most people don't need surgery to correct this, but it does need to be monitored.

I apologize for the long list - but we are grateful for all of our prayer warriors!