Not please in a begging sense. "Mommy paaaaaaaaaallllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not please in an arrogant sense "Oh please, give me a break" - but I'll be honest, I could use a break.
I am talking about pleasing. The kind of people pleasing desire that leaves you guilty when you fail, and constantly striving to be who others want you to be. Maybe not even what they want you to be, but what you think they would want you to be.
Is anyone else with me?
Growing up I loved doing things to help others, and I still do.
I would find approval in the praise of others, and my heart yearn to hear those "atta girls". I got plenty of those at home, so don't get me wrong - I wasn't a depraved child by any standards. I just LOVED to do things that made people think I was really something
special.
Do we all have that built in us? Maybe to a certain extent. I believe others of us have it to a greater degree, and it is how God made us.
When I was old enough to read
Seventeen &
YM magazines, I was drawn to the quizzes. Anyone else? I wanted the magazine to tell me what kind of person I was. Was I a
Witty Wonder or
Shy Suzie? Did I have certain qualities that made me
Popular or a
Wallflower? The sad part of this whole story - and the reason I am telling it, is because I would LIE on the quizzes. You read that right. I lied on the answers to a quiz about MYSELF. The one person who has the correct answers marked the wrong ones. I would skip to the end of the quiz to see how many As, Bs, or Cs I would need to be the personality that I desired. Only recently did I realize how truly sad that was. I wanted to be the best version of a human - and I didn't believe that it was found in myself.
Being a mom has changed a lot about me. The most drastic change being my desire to be a confident mother for Gavin, and a strong wife for Jason. No other "job" has as much outside input than motherhood. Agree??
For example (there are a lot I could list, but I'll do the most recent one) -
To give your baby and iPhone or to not give them and iPhone. That is the question. We have had pressure from both sides, and I see each of the schools of thought. Now that he has been exposed to it, it is all he wants to play with. When mommy has her phone out, he wants it - which is a good thing because I am on it much less frequently now. Which is right? That is for us to decide as a family, and I am honestly leaning towards books - not technology. However he does need to learn technology too...see the battle in my head?
During pregnancy EVERYONE and their neighbor had an idea, horror story, or constructive criticism for me. "You are too skinny to be pregnant. Did you pee on the stick right?" "My great aunt's best friend's neighbor had a baby with two heads..." - okay that one didn't happen, but some of the stories I heard were almost as horrifying. My least favorite were the ones that were asked after Gavin was born with complications "What did you do to cause this." OUCH!
Bottom line, what this whole post comes down to is this.
There is only
one me - there is only
one you.
God created us all differently, with opposite goals and visions. Our one purpose on this earth is to bring Glory to God. The hardest part may be being comfortable with who we are, and not trying to be the most appealing option at the end of a magazine quiz. It is always going to be a battle I fight, but I am determined to never give up. Motherhood has taught me a lot about confidence and even more about the unimportance of worldly things. Evening chats with my husband are more important than the latest episode of Downton Abbey, and spending time with Gavin is more important than a perfectly kept house.
Trusting that God created me - with only ME in mind, not another version of a previous person on this earth. It is believing that I am enough, and knowing that I am not perfect - but I am willing to be refined by God's flame.
