Un-expected

This Sunday we went for Gavin's first trip to the Minnesota Zoo. (It ended up being free...but more on that in a second.) He loved watching the monkeys and especially the penguins. Much more interactive than I thought he would be!

Look at those eyes! He was so intrigued.

After we wandered through the aquarium part of the zoo, we went outside and I changed his diaper. I noticed that he was doing rapid shoulder shrugs on his left side. He didn't stop. Gavin was in the middle of a seizure. Jason held him for 3 minutes before he finally calmed down. 

My heart sank. 

Absolutely crushed. 

I think in the back of my mind I thought that he would have another one, but I desperately prayed against it. 

The zoo staff was kind enough to refund our $47.00. Who knows - maybe God thought that was too much to pay for a day with His (free) creation. Thus the FREE trip to the zoo.

We took Gavin down to the U of M Emergency Room for the umpteenth time. He was seen by neurology, and we will be having an EEG done on August 6th. For now he is on Keppra for the seizures and we are praying that they don't happen again.

It has been a very un-expected journey, full of twists & turns, and little hiccups along the way. Last night I found myself in a very emotional place. I haven't felt this way since we were residents of the NICU. After my shower I put on my favorite lotion. This lotion isn't my favorite smell. It isn't even one I bought myself. It is one that my daddy bought me from the gift shop after my c-section. (My skin was so dry from the magnesium they gave me.) It reminds me of my mom brushing the matted tangles out of my hair when I couldn't raise my arms after the surgery. Every morning I woke up in the hospital, I put it on - hoping that the new day would bring hope - GOOD things. I now associate that smell with starting over, new days, HOPE. 

Funny how smells bring on a flood of emotion. The ER uses the same hand soap that I had to wash with every time I went to visit Gavin in the NICU. Emotions. Walking through the hospital hallway, smelling the coffee shop brought back memories of my many mornings in the hospital - waking up, getting my coffee, spending the day with my little miracle. Most of the time the emotions are good. Sometimes they are enough to stop me in my tracks - trying to hold back the tears. Last night I didn't hold them back, I let the tears flow. 

I am weary. I have begged God for mercy, that He would take the seizures from Gavin. For now the answer may be "wait", but we are hoping that His answer someday will be "YES!" 

Until then we wait, expecting the un-expected.